The Eye of the Bedlam Bride — Chapter no 9

[ 9 ]

DECEMBER 12.

Assault begins December 24.

Totems in deck: One of Six.

Total Cards in current deck: Five.

Entering the Mock Battle Arena.

Warning: You do not have a full deck.

Warning: You have a consumable card in your deck. This card will be lost if used in this arena.

Warning: While generated mobs cannot harm you in this location, the environment still can. Or you can still harm yourself. Try not to die in here because that would be really dumb and anticlimactic.

Choose your difficulty.

“Carl, what should I pick?” Donut asked. “Hey! It’s 1,000 gold if we want to fight an easy opponent, 2,000 for one equal to our deck, and 5,000 if we want a ‘challenge.’ This is an outrage! Wait, it says more options appear if we beat it at challenge difficulty. Let’s do that!”

“No,” I said. “Do the easy one first to see what that really means. Plus we don’t know if this seal guy is going to follow our instructions. He was pretty pissed when I stuck him with that flag.”

We met Sister Ines’s squad just outside, and we went into the mock battle arena together, which was just another door in the situationally-generated

hall. We all entered at the same time, but when the door closed, it was just me, Donut, and Mongo standing in the cavernous room.

Mongo screeched, and his voice echoed. The place was huge. The room was like a giant airplane hangar, similar to the room where we’d picked our subclasses at the beginning of the sixth floor. It was featureless with gray, corrugated metal walls and lit with dingy, blue light that didn’t seem to come from anywhere. The floor was made of solid concrete. A cool breeze swept through.

Donut suddenly gasped. “I can choose the environment! There’s lots of options!”

“Be careful,” I said. “Did you read the warning? Don’t choose a place that sounds dangerous.”

The room flashed, I felt a quick bout of nausea, and suddenly the concrete floor turned to dirt. Mongo screeched in surprise. A cheer rose up all around us. My ears popped. I turned in a full circle, looking about with awe. We were in a massive, packed arena, bigger than before. The roof was gone, and a yellow, almost cartoonish sun beat down on us. The shimmer of a bubble spread above it all, like we were under a dome.

The gravity here felt like it was only ¾’s of normal. I did a quick hop, and I jumped much higher than usual.

“Hang on, Carl, I’m going to make it so we weigh normal,” Donut said.

She moved her paw like she was adjusting a slider. I felt myself get slightly heavier. “There we go. This is quite customizable.”

A knee-high field of purple flowers suddenly sprouted from the dirt.

Mongo sneezed, and Donut swept her paw, taking the flowers away, leaving a field of green grass. She grumbled some more, and a few trees sprouted around the arena.

Each time she changed something, the arena’s crowd cheered enthusiastically. All were the same creatures. Thousands and thousands of robe-clad people wearing large hats. I recognized them. We’d faced similarly-dressed hunters on the previous floor. It was a nomadic, religious

cult called the Nebulars.

“What the hell did you pick?” I asked.

Battle Begins in Ten Seconds. Deck is locked in place.

“It was called Arena of the Eulogist or something like that. The picture was a colosseum thing with a bunch of cheering fans. I didn’t realize it would be these guys,” Donut said. “It doesn’t let me change the people, which is

quite unfortunate, but I can choose how much they like us. I put it all the way to the top.” Mongo screeched again, this time fearfully.

“Can you choose what the opponent is?” I asked.

“Sadly, no. It just says we’re on easy mode.”

Combat Started.

I looked around. I didn’t see anything.

“Uh, do you see the monster?” I asked. Donut didn’t answer. I looked down at her.

She stood stiffly on the ground next to me. Four cards floated in midair, spaced equally in front of her face like a car windshield. Each card had grown to be about the size of a magazine, and they were completely blocking her view of the arena. It was the two Time Extend cards, the Combo card, and the Monk Seal totem card.

“Carl, Carl, what do I do? Help! I can’t see!” She had to shout to be heard over the crowd noise. Everywhere she turned her head, the four cards followed. She jumped to my shoulder, and the cards moved with her. Now they were blocking my view, too.

The crowd started booing and hissing, but I wasn’t sure if they were booing us or the monster. Next to me, Mongo squawked angrily, his voice piercing through the arena.

“Go into the card menu and see if you can adjust the card’s position,” I shouted. “And try discarding the Combo card. We don’t want to use it.”

“Doesn’t that throw it away? I thought we wanted to keep it for later!”

“We do want to keep it. You’re just discarding it for this battle. You can discard one card every thirty seconds. A new card will pop up ten seconds after you discard or use one.”

Donut was in her menu, waving her paws around frantically. “How do

you know all this, Carl?”

Mongo howled and rushed off.

“I was paying attention, and I read the rules.”

The cards suddenly got bigger, overlapping each other. The first one, the Time Extend utility card, moved right through my face. The thing wasn’t really there.

“No, no, that’s not it,” Donut said. She still had to shout. “Here we go.”

The cards shrank to the size of playing cards, moved together, and then lowered, giving us a clear view of the playing field. …Just in time to see Mongo fly through the air and land a top the purple,

squealing monster. It fell onto its back, its little legs waving as Mongo savagely ripped through it. Blood geysered in the air followed by a pop and puff of smoke, like the creature had been part clockwork or robot. A trail of intestines rocketed up in the air, like a line of sausages ascending into heaven.

They disappeared into dust. Mongo tried to bite again, but the monster was gone, having dissipated. The raptor screeched in outrage as the crowd roared its approval, shaking the arena.

The only thing that was left was a little, red, blood-spattered purse that

also disappeared a moment later.

Combat Complete. Deck has been reset.

Do you wish to go again?

“Well, that was a waste of money,” I said.

“Carl, did you see that!” Donut exclaimed. “I think that was a Teletubby!”

We tried again, again on easy difficulty, but this time we put Mongo away. I made Donut change the environment to “Abandoned arena” which was the same place, but without the screaming crowd. The dome over the arena now had a crack in it, and the yellow sun had turned blue. She grumbled but complied.

“I don’t understand how you don’t know what the Teletubbies are, Carl,”

Donut was saying as we prepared to go again. “Miss Beatrice used to watch it all the time. She had it recorded on the DVR.”

“A little kid’s show?” I asked. “And she’d watch it? I don’t remember that. That’s really weird.”

“She would watch it and cry sometimes,” Donut said. “Come to think of it, it was quite strange. What kid shows did you watch?”

“I watched all sorts,” I said. “But I watched them mostly when I was kid.”

“Now, that’s not true, and you know it. You watched cartoons all the time. And played kid video games.”

“That’s different, Donut. Most of those were shows made for adults. Plus, I didn’t watch them and cry. That’s really bizarre.”

“Made for adults? Dragon Ball Z is made for adults? Though I suppose that was quite odd of Miss Beatrice. Wherever she is, I hope she still has access to her DVR. She would feed me extra sometimes after she watched it.

Anyway, I’m glad Mongo ate Tinky Winky. He acts all innocent, but he’s totally the type that’d trip you if you were both being chased by a bear. I’ve been team Dipsy since day one. He had the most wonderful hat. I wonder if this next monster is going to be another Teletubby.”

“Let’s find out,” I said.

Combat started, and the cards appeared. Donut remained on my shoulder so I could get a look at the hand. We only had five cards in the deck, and the totem wasn’t one of the four she pulled. It was the two Time Extends, the Combo card, and the Stout card.

“If you pull a deck without a totem, you’re immediately vulnerable, so make sure you either discard or use a card right away,” I said. “We don’t have any snare or mystic cards yet, so discard the Combo card.”

She flicked her paw downward, and the combo card disappeared into a puff of smoke. The empty space remained in her hand, and a 10-second timer appeared in the spot, counting down.

“If I use two cards, do they both have a timer, or is it one at a time?”

Donut asked.

“I’m pretty sure it’s one at a time, so if you play two at the same time, it’ll take twenty seconds to get back to a full hand. We won’t be able to test it until we get more cards. Once that one fills, we’ll be out. Do you see the monster?”

“I see the dot. He’s behind that tree over there, but he’s moving slow. It’s not Tinky Winky again. It’s something smaller.”

Ding. The totem card appeared in the empty slot.

Your Deck has been exhausted.

“Okay, summon the totem. If he doesn’t attack us, try to use all three of the utility cards on him.”

Donut reached toward the Monk Seal totem, but paused. She looked back at me.

“You know, I wonder if it’ll be something from another kids’ show. I’d really like the chance to eviscerate someone from Blue’s Clues. The only cast member of that show worth anything was Periwinkle, and they never gave him enough screen time. Plus Mrs. Pepper was obviously pulling a Miss Beatrice on Mr. Salt. How do you get paprika and sage from that combination?”

“Again, Donut,” I said. “I haven’t watched the show, so all this babbling is completely pointless. I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.

That’s the problem with all these references. You’re going to lose people.

Now summon the damn seal.”

She grumbled and reached forward to touch the seal card.

Geraldo. Level 70. Monk Seal Picket Sentry is ready for battle!

The card disappeared in a puff of smoke, and Geraldo appeared, flipping through the air. The monk seal landed in the grass in front of us, squealing with kung fu noises. A boss-battle like explosion appeared in the air as he entered the arena.

“Highhh-ya!” Geraldo shouted. He flipped again and slammed onto the ground, shaking it, then reared up, looking about. He had a 60-second timer over his head along with a health bar even though it was full. Above that was a little symbol that might’ve been a little totem pole, and planted into the pole was a miniature version of our team flag.

The seal sported a headband, just like in the cartoon image on the card, but it was white with red hearts on it, also mirroring our flag. He hadn’t been wearing it when we captured him.

“Oi!” he said, turning toward us. “Where the crabs at?” He waved his flippers, and I realized his body was making noises each time he moved.

Wsshh, Wsshh, Wap. Kung Fu movie noises. That’s what it was. They’d added cheesy, Kung Fu noises to all of his movements.

“What the hell, man,” I muttered.

“I like it,” Donut said, waving her paws. “I wish they did that for me. Or for you when you punched something. It’s a lot better than things simply blowing up and getting all disgusting when you punch them.”

I called out to the seal. “Hang out there for a second. The enemy is on its way.”

Geraldo the seal grunted and turned back toward the tree.

“At least he’s not attacking us,” Donut said.

“Try to use the utility cards on him.”

Donut put her paw on the Stout card and flipped it upward. It spun through the air, spinning like a ninja star, and it slammed into Geraldo with a loud, trumpet fanfare, causing the seal to glow. His health bar grew longer.

The word Buffed appeared over the seal for a moment in a comic-book-like explosion.

“This is quite festive,” Donut said. “Why can’t all the fights be like this?”

She activated the first Time Extend card, and it landed on the seal with another comic book explosion. Another sixty seconds added to the seal’s

timer. We only had one card left, which was the second Time Extend. Little Xs appeared in the spaces where the other cards once were, indicating the deck was empty.

She tried to flip the last card, but it wouldn’t go.

“Carl, it says uncommon totems can only hold two utility cards!”

“Huh,” I said. “Good to know.” I knew there were seven levels of rarity for the totem cards: Common, Uncommon, Rare, Very Rare, Legendary, Mythic, and Unique. I wondered if that meant common ones could only hold one utility card, and Unique ones—like the spider that ate Samantha—could hold a whopping seven buffs.

“Hey,” Geraldo said. “That ain’t no crab.”

“No,” Donut said, disappointed. “I guess it isn’t. It’s not that Magenta bitch, either.”

“What the hell is that?” I asked, turning my attention to the blob thing that appeared from behind the tree. It started shuffling in our direction.

“Oh my god, Carl,” Donut said. “It’s disgusting! And I think it’s crying!

Just like Miss Beatrice!”

The creature snuffled forward. It was a bat-faced, pig thing, but with a lot of extra skin, like one of those wrinkly, Shar-Pei dogs. It stood upon thin, quivering legs. It was about as tall as my knee. The naked, pink skin was bumpy and covered with infected-looking welts and moles. It moved slowly,

its skin sloshing up and down.

Squonk – Level 35.

Eastern United States Region Legendary Creature.

The Squonk. The poor, pitiful Squonk.

This damn thing is so ugly, so miserable that it is in a constant state of depression. It can’t stop crying. It doesn’t fight. It has no attacks. It smells and looks like the distended testicle of an Olympic weightlifter with an untreated hernia. Do everyone a favor and get it out of here.

“Yo, man. I ain’t touching that thing,” Geraldo said.

As we watched, the creature rolled over onto its side, let out a large fart, and started bawling even more forcefully. Then, with a pop, it turned to water

and dissipated on its own.

Combat Complete. Deck has been reset.

Do you wish to go again?

“I’m starting to think we’d be better off at medium difficulty,” I said.