The Eye of the Bedlam Bride — Chapter no 68

[ 68 ]

THE WORLD UNFROZE, AND I BOLTED TOWARD THE EDGE OF THE BUILDING as the battle continued all around me. I jumped past the Zhe totem as she started to devour the heart she’d just pulled from the chest of the legendary master totem. Samantha zoomed back toward me at full speed, screaming as I ran and leapt off the edge of the building. I caught her in midair like a goalie stopping a penalty kick. I pulled her to my chest as we both dropped like a rock. Demon seagulls and bats, who’d been keeping their distance, shrieked and moved to pursue. We plummeted past a flying, humanoid, bat thing totem sporting Elle’s flag, which moved to attack the demons.

“Carl, what are you doing!” Samantha shrieked as we slowed our descent.

She clearly struggled to carry me. She tried to struggle out of my grip as we approached the ground. The sensation was like trying to float atop the waves while clutching a slippery ball between myself and the ocean.

I slipped as Samantha bobbed up, and I grabbed onto her pigtails, like I was holding the handlebars of a bicycle. “To the ground, but stay with me! I need to run between the demon’s legs!”

“I am not a carnival ride, Carl! I will not… Okay, that does sound like fun.

Hang on.”

We hit the ground, landing right around the corner from the gigantic, kaiju of a demon, who was still trying to cast his spell.

His centaur body was not like that of a horse, but almost pig-like. His legs were shorter than I was expecting, and each of his cloven-hooved feet were at least ten feet tall. This close, he stank of a scorched barnyard animal. He stomped in frustration, shattering concrete. Rock rained off the side of the building.

I still clutched onto Samantha as I turned and ran alongside the building and angled myself between his legs. His hair-covered body writhed over me

as he continued to shout. Above, the roar of a new beast filled the air.

Donut: LI-NA JUST SUMMONED A DRAGON!

Black, stinking liquid rained down on us as I ran between his legs. It burned every time it hit skin. I didn’t know what the hell it was, and I didn’t want to know. Samantha squealed with delight.

“We gotta go to the beach!” I cried as we came out the back of the demon, who didn’t see or probably care about my passing underneath him.

The ocean was just a block over, but I didn’t have time to run. “Fly! Fly!”

“You’re too fat, Carl! Louis and Donut need our help!”

“I believe in you! Go!”

Samantha grumbled as she zipped off again, me clutching onto her. She struggled to pull me up, but she managed to get me about a foot off the ground, complaining the whole time. She flew at a breakneck speed, passing between buildings, across the freeway, and we approached the beach.

Donut: I HAVE HIM!

Carl: How long does the Midnight Express card last?

Donut: THREE MINUTES!

Jesus.

Carl: Wait ten seconds then play it!

I glanced at the clock. Five minutes thirty seconds left. I let go of Samantha’s pigtails and dropped to the rocky beach, which was covered with corpses. I rolled and jumped to my feet, racing into the water. I didn’t see any zombies or demons. It was just dead fish and birds and seals and crabs as far as I could see. Mixed in were memory ghosts, walking along the beach, looking out into the ocean, enjoying the day after Christmas.

A new achievement appeared as Donut played Midnight Express.

It was one of the two consumable cards Ren gave me before she died.

Tag! You’re it! For the next three minutes, you are now the deckmaster!

The cards appeared in front of me, floating huge in the air. One of the four slots was taken by the Midnight Express card, which would remain persistent until it timed out. The card featured a pair of tag-team wrestlers.

Behind me atop the building, Donut was now temporarily unfettered, which would allow her to cast her spells and use her inventory while I had control of the deck.

“Samantha,” I shouted. “Go back! Fast! Enhance Donut’s spells!”

She didn’t argue as she zipped off, leaving me alone on the beach.

The other three cards in my hand were Golden Combo, which would allow me to temporarily combine two totems, a Time Extend, and the card I

was looking for.

Raul the crab.

I flipped the card, and Raul flew into the water with his typical fanfare.

Far behind us, Amayon rumbled again.

“Daddy Master Carl! I am honored to be of service! I am ready! Ready to…” Raul trailed off as he looked upon the carnage. The crab turned in a circle, clearly bewildered. “What happened here?”

“No time to explain, but you gotta do your thing. Do it now!”

“Uh, what thing is that?” he asked, still looking about. “Everybody is dead. By the heavens. How is this so?”

A new card appeared in my hand. It was Alpha Male Carl. I hadn’t wanted to put him in the deck, but it was either him or Frank, and Donut decided he would be the better choice. We’d been a totem short after Donut used Golden Combo to temporarily fuse Lazarus with Skylar Spinach and then added Ren’s other consumable card, Glow Up, to make the combination permanent. The stronger versions of Asojano and Uzi Jesus made it a great, powerful combo, especially since we’d be allowed to bring a single card with

us onto the next floor.

But none of that mattered right now.

Right now, I needed to get this damn crab to jerk off into the ocean.

The whole demon eviction event had happened, at least according to the announcer guys, because the AI had made the unusual decision to consider crab sperm a mob. Because so many had “died,” it broke Sheol, and it kicked off the event. Now, Amayon’s take-me-home spell required a metric fuckton of souls to pay the passage or whatever, and the AI was sticking to its original rule. It had set us up for this bullshit. It was clear it had to be a crab. I just had to convince him to do it.

“Listen,” I said to the crab. “We only have a few minutes. This is how you move to the golden heavenly throne or whatever you call it. Your people are dead. You are the last one left. The eggs are still out there. You can save your people, but you have to do it now.” I swallowed. “You have to fertilize

the eggs. Go!”

He just looked at me. “Now? Here?”

“Yes!”

An explosion echoed from the building.

“Glorious Master Carl… That’s a lot of pressure to perform.”

“You have been training for this your whole life, Raul. This is how you save everybody. Go into the water and do it. Fast!”

“But why does it have to be right now?”

“Look. Do you see that giant demon over there? He’s going to destroy this world if he doesn’t go home. He needs a few million souls to go home.

So some of your little guys will have to make a sacrifice, but the rest will be fine I’m sure. You have like a billion of them, right?”

“My hallowed seed consists of the essence of my holy ancestors.

Ancestors who must fight for another chance to rise to the next stage.”

I tried not to let my frustrated panic edge into my voice. “That just means the survivors will be the most worthy. Right?”

Donut: THE GODDESS LADY SUMMONED A WEIRD VERSION OF PAZ BUT KATIA PUT HIM IN A SHIELD JAIL THING, AND HE’S PROBABLY GONNA TIME OUT! ELLE AND BRITNEY AND LOUIS ARE BACK UP HERE, BUT IMANI AND TRAN ARE TRAPPED.

“Okay,” Raul said uncertainly, moving sideways off into the water so he was half submerged. The waves lapped all around him, washing more corpses up on the shore. The entire beach stank like death. “But don’t watch.”

“I won’t look. Just let me know when you’re done.”

Raul was only half the equation. I needed to power Amayon up. I was going to have to use Alpha Carl to help me. I turned my back and summoned the totem. It hit the ground, which started to rumble with his entrance sequence.

“I can’t do it,” Raul called from behind me. “I need a baby seal.”

I turned at that. “What the fuck, Raul?”

He waved his pincer. “No, not like that. The seals hang out near the eggs.

It’s like an automatic reaction. We’ve been programmed to perform when we see baby seals.”

It was no wonder the monk seals wanted these guys all dead.

The ridiculous, red, white, and blue entrance sequence for Alpha Carl exploded across the beach. I tried to tune it out while I dealt with Raul.

“Look, over there. There’s a pile of dead baby seals. Try that.”

“Hello, little brother!” Alpha Male Carl called. “Whoa. What happened here?”

This version of Alpha Carl was much friendlier now that I’d been the one

to summon him. A little too friendly. I glanced at the clock. This wasn’t going to work. Three minutes before the whole quest was done. One minute left before Donut took back control. I would still be stuck here when the Midnight Express card expired, and so would the two totems, but we were running out of time.

“You look upset. Do you want to talk about it?” Alpha Carl asked.

Donut: THE SATAN DEMON GUY WON’T LISTEN TO ME. HE’S GOING TO CAST ANOTHER SPELL. HE AND THE VINEGAR LADY ARE YELLING AT EACH OTHER. I THINK THEY MIGHT ACTUALLY BE IN LOVE. SHE’S ALMOST OUT OF CARDS.

SAMANTHA AND I ARE GONNA HAVE TO DO SOMETHING DRASTIC.

“Okay,” I said to Alpha Carl, who was looking at me with sincere concern. “I need you to almost kill me. I can do it to myself if I have to, but I’d prefer if someone else does it so they can stop at the right moment. You have to beat me to an inch of my life and then stop.”

Behind me, Raul started to grunt. “Yeah. That’s right. Look at you all dead and shit. That’s right you fuzzy little seals.”

“You want me to beat you up?” Alpha Carl asked. “I’m not going to do that. I love you, little brother. Maybe we should hug it out.”

I tossed the time extend onto Raul just as the Midnight Express timer ended. The cards in front of me disappeared.

Tag! You are no longer the deckmaster!

Two minutes and four seconds left.

“Gah!” Amayon bellowed in the distance. I looked over to see the giant demon punch himself in the face. “I will destroy… Gah!” He did it again.

Donut: I CAST WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON SATAN!

Samantha: OKAY THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE. I THINK HE IS BIG MAD.

Alpha Carl put his hand on my shoulder. “You don’t need to hurt yourself to feel loved. Despite all of your failings…” He paused, looking over my shoulder. “All right. You’re gonna have to explain what that crab is doing.”

“He’s saving the world,” I said through gritted teeth. “But he needs motivation.”

Katia: Guys, Annie is down, and I’m out of cards. Daniel, on me. I’m going to try to stop the goddess.

Imani: I found Tran, but we’re surrounded by demons!

“It’s not working. I can feel you judging me,” Raul called.

“Stop being a little bitch and get the job done!” Alpha Carl barked.

“Don’t yell at me!” Raul snapped back. “I’d like to see you perform under this sort of pressure. Wait, wait, never mind. Yell at me again. I think it’s helping.”

“I don’t know what the hell you’re doing, you weird little armored sea rat, but you need to do what my brother says, or I’m gonna come over there and break you in half.”

“Yes. That’s it. That’s it,” Raul said. “It’s happening. I’m ascending! I’m ascending past the cloud rank and into the golden heavenly light! No more kowtowing. No more kowtowing!”

“You two, keep going,” I said as I dashed away. One minute left. I was going to have to do this the hard way. There were plenty of ways for me to hurt myself, but I could only think of one that would also return me to the

main battle.

Carl: Donut. I’m coming back right now.

I paused. Shit. This is going to hurt. Forty-five seconds.

Carl: SAMANTHA. DON’T LET ME OUT UNTIL THE FIRE FLARES.

Samantha: WHAT? WHY ARE YOU YELLING? I’M HAVING A TUSSLE!

Behind me, Raul let out a loud, satisfied groan as Alpha Carl continued to berate him. At the same moment, I pulled the teleport trap trigger out of my

inventory, and I stepped into it.

I teleported to the trap.

The trap I left inside of Samantha.