The Eye of the Bedlam Bride — Chapter no 64

[ 64 ]

<Note added by Crawler Allister, 13th Edition> The Semeru Dwarves of the ninth floor all only worship a single goddess, who inevitably makes an appearance near the end of the battles as the final teams approach the gates of the castle of Larracos.

She only has a single temple in the entire dungeon. I have never seen or heard of a crawler worshiping her. I don’t know if that’s even possible.

She is also, apparently, used as a foil during the Ascendency battles as well. She is hated by both the gods and the demons, and she’s said to be forever scheming, moving nations like pieces on a chessboard. Killing and resurrecting, all in her unknown cause. I’ve heard her described as a trickster. Insane. Jealous of mortals. The dwarves call her the Downward Spiral. An Earth and Water goddess who punishes those who abuse her world and the weakest within it. In my religion, we have a T’Ghee card that represents such a figure, called The Inevitable.

Some say she is the reason for Scolopendra’s nine-tier attack. I’ve heard one dwarf say she is the daughter of the great centipede.

Another say she’s the sister. Another claimed she’s the mother. I doubt any of those are true.

Outside of Larracos, she is known by another name.

She is called the Vinegar Bitch.

TIME LEFT IN THE QUEST: ONE HOUR, THIRTY MINUTES.

Mordecai: He said that? He called her Ysalte? Are you sure?

Donut: WHEN A GIANT DEMON IS BELTING OUT NAMES, YOU LISTEN, MORDECAI.

Mordecai: Ysalte is known by another name. The Vinegar Bitch. She kills every crawler that comes anywhere near her. She usually pops out of her temple at the end of Faction Wars, but not always. She didn’t appear the last two seasons, so it’s always a surprise. If she does show up, run.

Carl: Can she hide her appearance? Is that possible?

Mordecai: Anything is possible, but gods usually aren’t subtle. Even her. That jacket of yours should be telling you if she’s close. We’re

missing something.

Carl: Can she be sponsored?

Mordecai: FUCK. Yes.

Carl: What?

Mordecai: I just remembered. She has been getting sponsored recently. The Nebular team has been sponsoring her.

Carl: The same ones who also sponsor Sister Ines?

Mordecai: Bingo. Be careful.

Donut: WHY DO THOSE WEIRDOS KEEP POPPING UP?

Mordecai: People have been trying to figure out what those guys are up to for hundreds of years, Donut. What they want is easy to explain, but what they do is not because their actions never make sense.

I already knew some of this, but I wanted to hear Mordecai’s explanation.

Carl: What do they want?

Mordecai: Near the center of the galaxy is a very large AI that extends a benign enhancement zone over several solar systems, and it’s where a whole lot of people live. The ‘inner system.’ This AI is the same sort of thing that runs the crawl, but it predates Syndicate society. It is stable and is without personality. It’s the only one like it. The Nebs worship it like it’s a god, and they think it’s blasphemy to try to replicate it. They participate in the Hunting Grounds and the Ascendency, and

they really, really want to run a crawl themselves sometime, but nobody is ever going to let them because their stated goal is to shut all of this down. Hence they try to keep winning the Celestial Ascendency since one of the prizes of that is a seat at the table of the Syndicate crawl council.

Outside the crawl, they’re pacifists. You could literally walk up to one and punch him in the face, and he’ll let you do it. Not so much inside the

dungeon.

Carl: They want to shut the crawl down?

Mordecai: Yeah, but don’t get too excited. They preach the eradication of all the places that could host crawls, such as this planet.

And all the people on it. And all other religions, too. They’re psychotic.

Carl: Preaching for genocide doesn’t exactly go along with pacifism.

Mordecai: Yeah, it doesn’t make much sense to anybody else, either.

Carl: What do they want with Sister Ines, I wonder.

Mordecai: They likely sponsored her because she’s religious, and they either want to convert her or make an example of her.

“I feel bad,” Chris said. The lava rock crawler had spent the floor with Li Na’s team, and I’d barely spoken with him. He looked over his shoulder at the church across the way. A demon crab rushed through the grassy area in front of the building, but it didn’t even look at us. The zombies all wandered aimlessly unless we got close, and then they’d swarm, but the demons seemed to all head straight for the FOCSA building, as if they knew their best chance at getting home was there.

The demon eviction was ongoing, but it had clearly slowed.

The crab didn’t make it. Elle pierced it from afar using an ice spell that killed it with a single shot. It died with a small cry, and the corpse turned to dust.

I turned my attention back to Chris. “Why do you feel bad? Because it’s a church?”

“No. Because it’s pretty. And it will break the key.”

“The real version of that church is already gone,” I said. “And the key will only let one of us through. I tried to get Imani to take it, and she’s refused. I’m not going to do it. The other stairwell is miles away and is covered with a lot more debris. We can protect the saferoom entrance if we

do it correctly. It’s already buried at the other exit. It has to be here.”

“Okay,” Chris said. He turned and started walking back to the church where he, Zhang, and several other crawlers and strippers were going to initiate the controlled demolition of the church, followed by the construction of the channel underneath it for our escape. I lent Zhang my shrink wand, as he had a lot of experience using that particular spell.

There were two temples on the grounds of the church in separate buildings. A temple of Ibeji, whom I’d never heard of, and a temple of the ocean goddess Kuraokami, which doubled as the entrance to Club Vanquisher. This second temple was where the ram clerics and the mantaur guards had been coming out. We had to be careful not to hurt either of those buildings. The last thing we needed was another pissed-off deity like that whole clusterfuck with Diwata on the last floor.

With that underway, I turned to the rest of the group. As I watched, Imani floated up, trailed by a large group of hooting and hollering sluggalos, followed by a few of the strippers. It was Gluteus Maxx with his war gauntlets, Author Steve Rowland with his club, Splash Zone the otter water mage, and Dong Quixote. Dong insisted on dragging his massive lance with him, despite being on foot. The thing was basically just a spear, but it was clearly too long and unwieldy to be used effectively without being mounted.

The forty or so sluggalos were mostly level twenties and thirties, punctuated with a handful of level fifties, the strongest in the group that would do as we asked. Sort of. Most of the level forties and fifties were now safely ensconced in the upgraded barracks, which they were apparently trashing.

The things could move a lot more quickly than I was expecting. They left a shimmering trail of orange-hued slime everywhere they went.

“Everybody, gather around.” I cracked my neck. “We have to get into that building.” I pointed over my shoulder at the large, distant skyscraper. “Donut and I, along with Katia’s squad and the rest of Li Na’s squad will infiltrate the building and confront Sister Ines. The plan is to take her out, which will hopefully break the demon free of his confinement. As soon as that happens, that timer is probably going to accelerate, so we’ll need to hoof it to the roof and break him free of the Madre de Aguas snake body right away.”

“What about tossing Samantha, like you did before?” Louis asked.

Samantha sat firmly upon his shoulder. She kept trying to chew on his hair, but he was pushing her away.

“I love it when you’re confident in me,” Samantha said. She reached over and bit Louis on the ear.

“Samantha, leave him alone or you’re sitting this one out,” I said.

She growled at me and threatened my mother.

I pointed at the swirling hurricane surrounding the demon. “He’s protected by a wall of demon seagulls. Samantha is invulnerable, but if we toss her, and she gets intercepted, one of the seagulls will pull her into Sheol.

I’m pretty sure I can get her back, but she’ll likely bring something back with her we don’t want to fight. We’re going to use teleport to break him of the shell, but we want to keep him in the same location. The only way to do that is up through the building. This whole thing has been setup by the AI. We pretty much have to do it this way.”

I turned to Elle and Imani. “You guys are going to protect our escape, and you’re going to keep anyone from surging up behind us. I don’t know if any of the full-strength demons are left, but be on the lookout. Watch for the

birds.”

Elle saluted me. “You got it, boss.”

“Good. Once the demon is free from his shell, he’s going to be a lot bigger and a lot more powerful. I don’t know if that means he’ll be pissed or happy we freed him, but either way it’s going to trigger a world quest, and we’ll need to see what the parameters are before we decide how to proceed from there. Okay, guys? We ready? No time. Let’s go.”

I turned and started jogging east toward the massive demon in the sky. I didn’t turn to see if the others were following me.

“Did you get Quan’s cloak?” Katia asked as we approached the building.

She was in her she-hulk form, but she’d grown multiple stalks on the back of her neck containing eyeballs so she could see all around her. I remembered how she once talked about how difficult it was to get used to using more than two eyes. That didn’t seem to be a problem for her anymore. To my left, Splash Zone sent a group of duende zombies floating away with a wave attack. Donut, Louis, Britney, Tran, and Mongo took up the middle of the group. Katia, the strippers, and I took up the front. The slugs were wandering off everywhere. It was like trying to herd a group of drunk toddlers.

“I did,” I said. “I need to sit down and really examine the description. It

doesn’t do what we thought it did from what I can tell. It changes based on who wears it. I’m pretty sure I’m going to give it to Donut if we can get it to fit her, but we need to have a discussion with Mordecai about it first.”

“Okay,” Katia said. She was shaking, I realized. And not just from fear. I wished we were still partied, which would allow me to look deeper in on her health. She still needed to do her final rehab treatment, the one where she relived one of her worst memories. We hadn’t had time, and she was being propped up by Imani’s spells and Mordecai’s potions.

“How are you feeling?” I asked.

“Mostly like an idiot,” she admitted.

“And Bautista?”

The tiger crawler walked near the back of the group along with Elle, who was scanning the sky for threats. It was clear their relationship had been

damaged by recent events.

“He doesn’t want me to use the orchid.”

“I don’t want you to use it, either. The more I think about it, the more scared I get it’s a death sentence.”

“Well, it’s a death sentence if I don’t use it. We jumped through a lot of hoops to get it. It’s the only way out as far as I can see.”

“Maybe there’ll be another way. I don’t want you being alone.”

She shivered. “Have I ever told you… You know what, let’s just get past this and then decide what we’re going to do.” She turned to Dong Quixote, who grunted with the effort of carrying his lance.

“Dong, that weapon is way too big for you,” she said.

The elderly stripper smiled. “My dear, it’s kind of you to compliment my weapon’s size.”

“I’m serious. You have an inventory. You can carry it in there until you need it, but I don’t think you should use it at all. It’s going to get you killed.”

I knew most NPCs had the slot-style inventory. Something like that massive lance would take up most of his space, but at least he wouldn’t have to lug it around.

He frowned. “This is the only weapon I know. At least the only weapon I know that I could find. I do miss my trusty mount.”

Katia smiled at the old man. A genuine smile. “Let me guess. Your horse’s name was Rocinante?”

“Horse?” he asked. “No. His name was Corcunda. Was a half mantaur.

Was the most beautiful man, despite his physical flaws. I would ride him on

stage, and the crowd loved it.”

“Wait, what?” Katia asked. “What the heck does a half mantaur look like?”

Splash Zone grunted with laughter. “Their act was a thing of legends.”

I was about to ask what he meant by “riding him on stage” but thought better of it. “What’s the other weapon you were looking for?” I asked. “I have a lot in my inventory.”

“A flail,” he said. “The one-handed variety.”

I dove into my inventory, looking at the weapons. Most were in the saferoom, but I knew he’d already had the opportunity to pick through that pile. I still had the ones I’d looted from Quan. I had several mace-like weapons, and I’d seen a few crawlers with mace-and-chain type weapons, but I didn’t have exactly what he was looking for. I knew Katia had the meteor hammer from the late Popov twins, but that thing probably weighed more than the stupid lance. A single weapon caught my attention. I hadn’t had time to read the description yet.

Spunky Jefferson the Enchanted Nickel Sock of the Elderly Miser.

This weapon has been upgraded twice.

This is a sapient weapon.

This is an incremental-damage weapon.

This item was originally awarded to a crawler in a Legendary You- Know-Everybody-Can-See-You-Right? Box on the fifth floor.

Almost all cultures that use money have a story about the miser. The elderly, solitary man who hoards his wealth and treats everybody around him like shit until he gets his comeuppance and then turns into a big pussy who gives all his money away.

All cultures also have the equivalent of the spunk sock that sits underneath a teenage boy’s bed.

Jefferson is the life force of such a miser who pissed off the spirit who’d come to show him the errors of his ways. He was cursed to inhabit a sock once owned by a kid named Tanner. The sock itself holds several USD worth of nickels. You swing it and bonk people with it. It’s unusually effective, more so than you might think.

This weapon’s damage increases by 1.5% for every mob it kills that is no more than 10 levels below the current wielder’s level. Current upgrade: 238% damage increase.

Increases wielder’s dexterity by 10 points plus 10%

Has a 5% chance to inflict Bonked on any mob struck with this weapon.

All mobs killed with this weapon have a 20% chance to burst into a pile of gold coins upon death. The number of coins is equal to the (value of the items in their inventory)+(level x 10).

Carl: Is a sapient weapon what I think it is?

Mordecai: Oh gods. Yes. They can talk, but it’s usually only in the mind of the wielder. Though some do talk out loud. They tend to be quite annoying. Samantha-level annoying, but luckily they’re treated as objects, and you can keep them in your inventory if they won’t stop yammering. I suspect Florin’s shotgun might be sapient, but he hasn’t said one way or another.

What the hell, I thought and pulled it out of my inventory. It was a white tube sock with red and blue stripes at the very top. It sagged heavily. It was old, crusty, and splattered with blood.

“Let me know if this works,” I said, handing the sock to Dong. “This is kinda like a flail. I guess.”

“My lord, you honor me,” Dong said, taking the crusty sock reverently.

His lance zapped away into his inventory. He wrapped the end of the bobbing sock in his hand and gave it a test swing. It jingled with the coins within as it swished through the air. “This is a mythical weapon.”

“What the hell is that?” Katia asked. “Why does it smell?”

“Yes. Yes. My name is Dong Quixote,” Dong said. “Yes. Yes. Jefferson?

It’s nice to meet you… Yes. We are going to. I am a former adventurer turned entertainer turned mercenary… Yes. About five gold coins per dance, but more if we moved it to the cum closet… I do not know what a mutual fund is.

Why?”

“Carl, who is he talking to?” Katia asked.

“The sock,” I said as Dong wandered off to show his friends.

Donut: OKAY, I WILL BE BACK IN A MINUTE. DON’T START

WITHOUT ME.

Carl: Do it fast.

Behind me, Donut, Imani, Britney, and Tran moved off to an alley to get into a quick fight in order to properly set up Donut’s deck one last time. Just in case.

Meanwhile, everybody else was in the chat, fielding questions about the plan. The fights, for the most part, had calmed down. Osvaldo and some guy

named Jurgen had gotten into a card battle, but Jurgen had been forced to use a Flee card. It turned out he’d really made good on his promise to break the stairwell, and they were now working together to clear the rubble away. They were somewhere in Brazil. It was the same for everybody else. We still had four days left, but by now, pretty much everybody with keys who could, had gone down the stairs.

I received one last message from Prepotente.

Prepotente: For what it’s worth, Carl. I do hope you and Princess Donut survive this foolish endeavor. You are an oafish brute, and it’s a miracle you have made it this far, but the dungeon would not be the

same without you.

Carl: Thanks, Prepotente.

Prepotente: If you are successful in the first part of this, make certain you carefully read the winning conditions of the new quest. There are quite a few crawlers in Indonesia, which is the closest landmass on the opposite side of the Earth from Havana. They will be in the most danger if you do not buff that demon enough. You will need them on the next floor if you hope to win. Speaking of, Princess Donut has been keeping me apprised of how the voting is going for Faction Wars. I understand you’re still at an impasse.

Carl: I will do my best. And yes, ever since everybody got stuck and the system AI refused to let them bounce, they’ve all been declining to vote in anything and are instead just trying to sue over and over. They’re being a bunch of pansies. Meanwhile, the NPC rebels have been sabotaging them at every turn.

Prepotente: Well, I do look forward to seeing how all that turns out.

Now I will be going down the stairs.

Carl: Take care of yourself.

Prepotente: Oh, and Carl?

Carl: Yes?

Prepotente: I’ve decided to not kill you for letting my mother hurt herself. I have been contemplating it for some time now. I’ve decided you were too stupid to have done anything about it anyway. Your penance will be to assist me in exacting my revenge on the true culprits.

I blinked, rereading that last part. I tried not to let the sarcasm show in my

response.

Carl: That’s a relief. Thanks, Pony.

The combat complete notification came, and a moment later, Donut landed on my shoulder. “It’s done,” she said. “Not many zombies around anymore. I think they’re all running away from the demon building.”

“Good, because we’re here,” I said, holding up my hand for everybody to stop. We came to the edge of an alley that was blocked by a pile of bicycle rickshaws that had somehow gotten all tangled up here, all with colorful awnings and handmade signs that read “Taxi.” A few were adorned with Christmas decorations. I used the pile of bicycles as a hiding spot as we peered to the right, revealing a block filled with demons. It was all manner of creatures. Crabs, seals, fish, duendes, a few of those weird human-faced dog things, and more. All were zombies turned demon. All stood, or lay on the ground, docile, staring up into the hurricane of birds, none facing our direction. It was like they were patiently waiting for a train to pull up and take them all home.

I couldn’t even see Amayon anymore through the mass of birds. Even as I watched, more demon birds flew in from all directions. It wasn’t just birds, I realized, but bats as well. The cone of fire continued to spout into the sky out the center of the tornado. It was so hot it was hard to breathe.

It dawned on me that I hadn’t heard from Sister Ines in a while. I checked, and she was still there, still near the top but within the building. The system said she was still alive, but she clearly hadn’t moved, which was unnerving.

I noted none of the demons said they were minions of Sister Ines, either.

Only Amayon was under her control.

The front side of the green and tan, Y-shaped building loomed.

This was it.