The Eye of the Bedlam Bride — Chapter no 56

[ 56 ]

SEVERAL DAYS EARLIER.

“Yo!” the mantaur guard called, banging on the door of the Blessed Sun Enchantments shop within Club Vanquisher. “Listen, poser! You only get one shop visit a day. I saw you! I saw you come out of the temple! You can’t be in here! Unlock this door! I’ve been born with a heart of steel! I’m not afraid to die!”

“Dude, what does that even mean?” I called back through the rattling

door.

“It means get out here this instant!”

I had a memory of a similar scene that had played out in the Desperado Club not that long ago. I turned my attention back to the cleric and the jeweler.

“It’s expensive,” Pater Coal said, speaking quickly. “A million gold.”

I shook my head. “I don’t have that much on me.”

“Nobody ever does,” the satyr jeweler said with a chuckle. He turned to the diminutive cleric. “I’m sure the church will be happy to spot you.”

Pater Coal nodded. “We will, but you’ll have to put 10,000 down if you have it.”

“That seems a little pricey,” I said, wishing I had Donut with me.

“We’re here because you wanted this,” Pater Coal said.

The door banged again. This was a bad idea. I was now stuck. I could no longer change my mind and go to the healer. “How much is the interest?”

“It’s for the church,” Pater Coal said. “We don’t charge interest to our martyrs. But you do have to trade in one of your existing pieces of jewelry for it to work. Something you’ve been wearing a long time. The longer, the

better.”

I hesitated. “Okay,” I finally said, pulling my strength ring off and handing it to the jeweler. It was the first ring I’d received in the dungeon.

“Let’s do it.”

The jeweler looked at the cleric, who nodded.

You have taken an interest-free* loan of 990,000 gold from the Temple of Emberus. You will no longer be allowed to renounce your religion while you are under debt. You may make payments directly to the Emberus shrine.

“Uh… What the hell does that asterisk part mean?” I asked.

“I don’t understand,” the jeweler said.

New Achievement! Columbia House!

There was a time when you could get twelve albums for a penny.

That’s right. A goddamned penny. It was great! The ads were everywhere. Each colorful, full-or-double-page ad appeared in just about every publication in North America from the 1970s until the 2000s. And let’s not forget the catalogs they mailed directly to your home! Each ad or catalog featured stacks and stacks of today’s hottest music, from Hall and Oates to ABBA to my personal favorite, Gloria Estefan. All you had to do was cut out the ad, pick your favorite twelve albums, mail the whole thing in with a shiny penny, and a month later, you’d open your mailbox to find the 8-tracks, or records, or cassettes, or CDs sitting there, ready to be played. It was great!

All they asked in return was that for the next year or so, you purchase another album once a month for full price. And if you forgot each month to make your pick? Then you learned a new term. “Negative Option Billing.”

If we’re being honest here, most people took the 12 albums and ran.

They never gave Columbia House another penny. But some people did pay, and that’s all that mattered. Believe it or not, Columbia House and its competitors made bucketloads of money on those few rubes who did manage to stick to the terms of their contract.

And for the folks who never paid? Who cares! Columbia House didn’t have to pay the artists’ royalties for those albums anyway! It was an advertising expense! It’s just like with banks and their overdraft fees.

The smart businesses know how to make money off their richest and poorest clients.

Anyway, you have taken on a financial debt. You got the albums.

Now you gotta pay. Or don’t. Maybe there won’t be any consequences.

Maybe there will. But you got your Beach Boys album, and for now, that’s all that matters.

Reward: You’ve just been trained to lunge for the carrot that has been dangled in front of you, no matter what the cost. If society was still ticking, that’d likely mean you’re about to lead a wage-slave life of ever- increasing debt you can never get out from underneath, culminating in you dying alone in a government-run facility while your meager Social Security checks go straight into the facility’s coffers. That and a cassette copy of Gloria Estefan’s 1989 masterpiece, Cuts Both Ways. My favorite is track number 8.

“Uh,” I said again, suddenly regretting my decision. “The loan really is interest-free, right?”

“Sure, sure,” Pater Coal said, waving his hand as the door continued to bang. “Best get this done.”

The hairy, goat-legged jeweler also worshipped Emberus, and he had the same twin tattoos on the back of his hands as I did. The creature looked like a combo between Prepotente and a hipster barista guy.

“So you can do this fast?” I asked as a second mantaur started banging on the door, this one shouting something about Valkyries and wolves for some inexplicable reason.

“That’s right, my brother,” the satyr said. “Don’t mind those idiot Grull worshippers out there. They’re too scared to actually come in here.” He gently slipped the ring onto a mandrel-like holder with a handle and then dunked it into what looked like a pot of bubbling lava. The whole bowl glowed. “This isn’t the most powerful base ring, but it will work for your slug condition, and it will help against a few other debuffs as well, but if it gets too overwhelmed, it might not work as intended. Do you have any more rings? I can make other spells for you. I have a whole menu.”

“I’m in enough debt as it is,” I said as he pulled the ring from the lava.

He shrugged and handed the ring back to me. It wasn’t even hot to the touch. It looked identical to before. The label over it still said it was a strength ring. I examined it.

Enchanted Pauper’s Ring of the Steadfast Emberus.

Ah, Emberus. Wholly sane, reasonable Emberus. I’m sure any jewelry that bears his name will be a perfectly fine, normal piece of

magical gear.

When working properly, this ring will remove most health-seeping and disease-based debuff effects. Has a variable numbing effect on various other debuff types. This will not remove the debuff itself. Too many active debuffs of any kind may temporarily mute or overheat this ring.

Warning: This ring may only be worn by a worshipper of Emberus.

This will turn into a cursed item if worn by a non-worshipper.

Warning: This ring’s true nature may only be seen by a worshipper of Emberus. It is disguised as an enchanted Strength ring.

Warning: This ring has a debt attached to it. You may not sell this ring while this debt is attached. If you lose this ring, the loan payment will be accelerated. If you are expelled from the church while you are wearing this ring, the curse effect will activate.

Warning: This ring carries a curse effect. Non-worshippers who attempt to wear this ring will find themselves infected with every debuff suffered by anyone within 50 meters of this ring. That’s… that’s a bad one.

“This is fine,” I said, slipping it onto my finger.

“There are indeed eight combatants,” Kevin shouted. “Coming from above in a sneak attack, ready to get his revenge, it’s Quan Ch!”

Quan appeared, his dot coming into view on my map. He’d been invisible, flying through the air straight toward the fight, his magical cloak/robe thing flapping in the wind behind him. He’d risen to level 70, one above my own. He’d been trailing six levels behind me for a while, which meant he’d been cruising through this current floor.

His left arm was still gone. He had a look of absolute rage on his face.

The little scene window popped up and it showed me holding onto Quan’s arm at the end of the fifth floor as he tried to run away, and me ripping the arm right off his body.

Magnificent Troy laughed. He, too, now had a beer bottle in his hand. “I remember that. That was pretty awesome.”

“Remember how Quan cried like a little bitch afterward?” Kevin asked.

Troy kept laughing. He pulled his own right arm into his tuxedo jacket

and started waving the empty sleeve back and forth. “Look! I’m Quan! I’m Quan!” His alien beer splashed out of the bottle.

“Fuck you!” Quan screeched over at the screen.

Kevin continued to howl with laughter. “That’s the wrong arm, Troy, but that is indeed how he looked. Anyway, let’s watch all these dumbasses finally die and then maybe they’ll let us get out of this cursed solar system.”

Your squad has chosen to ally with team Quiteria.

Team Quiteria has chosen no allies.

Team Quan has chosen no allies.

Ten second, “I thought we were friends” penalty imposed.

Combat Started.

Chaos broke out all around us. Every zombie lunged at the nearest non- zombie as the seals and crabs burst into action, kicking, fighting, screaming, punching. Everybody was fighting everybody else.

A zombie baby seal looked at me and groaned, moving itself forward, trailing guts. I moved to punt it, but I realized I couldn’t move my leg. I had, stupidly, assumed the ten-second penalty only applied to Donut’s deck of

cards.

Oh fuck, oh fuck.

The baby seals were indeed white and fuzzy, which was not correct because these things weren’t harp seals, but I barely registered this as it got closer. Both Quan and Sister Ines cast cards. Donut didn’t even have her deck yet.

As the zombie seal approached from my left, a demon crab jumped at me from the right.

It stopped in midair, having flown directly over one of the demon snare traps I’d placed. It stopped just inches from me, screeching, its voice like a high-revving engine, nothing like that of a regular crab. Its black eyes swirled like twin hurricanes. The demon’s name was Nizzle.

The baby seal reached for my ankle just as the timer ended. I jumped back and punted it. I ducked as another demon crab lunged. It sailed over me and tackled a regular crab. A portal opened, and they both disappeared, screaming. All around, demons were grabbing combatants, and pulling them away as more and more zombies made the change. And those that didn’t were turning more crabs and seals into zombies.

I turned to Nizzle the frozen demon and cast Talon Strike just as I kicked it directly in the chest. It fell backward, and I jumped forward, cracking down

hard, breaking it into pieces.

Quan remained floating in the air, out of reach. The boss snake started to buck like a wild horse. Samantha, finally able to move, zipped away, floating like one of those skulls from the Doom video game. Sister Ines remained attached to the back of the boss monster’s head, like she had a Sticky Feet skill.

Quan had cast a mystic card and then a totem. The totem appeared with no fanfare. It was a large, but common soft-shelled turtle named Hoan Kiem.

It was only level 25. It fell and plopped onto the ground, surrounded by a group of zombie fish who all started to bounce toward it, their ravening

mouths opening and closing.

Peekaboo!

A pair of giant, bloodshot eyes appeared in the air, floating over Donut.

Across the way, the same eyes appeared above Sister Ines. Quan’s mystic card was something I’d seen before. I couldn’t see what Quan saw, but I knew he now could see both Donut’s hand and Sister Ines’s hand.

A clockwork mongo ran by, screeching, covered with biting zombie baby seals. The real Mongo stood by Donut, protecting her. I watched as he jumped through the air, ripping a zombie apart. A demon fish tried to open a portal under Mongo’s feet, but the dinosaur ripped it in half with his talons.

Sister Ines’s card also didn’t have any fanfare. She summoned the totem,

followed by a stout card onto him.

It was Paz. She’d summoned Paz.

The armored man looked much like he had the last time I’d seen him, dying on the floor of the Yemaya temple after he’d been smote by his god.

He stood right in front of the snake boss, facing the cat woman who remained upon the head of the creature. He still had the horrific, hand-shaped burn across his face, which partially revealed his skull. The god Ogun had done that to him.

“Sister,” Paz called up to the nun. “Please. No more. I can’t take… gah!”

The giant snake reached down and chomped down on Paz, her giant mouth trying to crush the armor. She picked him up and started to shake him back and forth, like she was attempting to swallow him whole.

Samantha zipped through the air and landed at my feet, bouncing once.

She rolled to a stop and looked up at me. “I’m pretty sure this is all your fault, Carl.”

Donut tossed out her first card. Geraldo the Monk Seal appeared just as

Sister Ines started to shout instructions at her totem. “Paz,” she called.

“Accept your suffering! Use your self-destruct skill the moment this false

god…”

She didn’t finish.

Quan cast another mystic card. This one puffed away, indicating it’d been a consumable. He pointed directly at Sister Ines’s hand, and the moment he made the move, I knew exactly what that card was. My heart sank. I’d seen it in the lists, but I’d always assumed it was a dumb card. We’d never found

one.

I pick that one!

A giant, neon hand appeared in the air and reached down and grabbed a card from Sister Ines’ deck.

The card was called Force Play. You picked a card in an opponent’s hand, and it played automatically. Since he could see her hand, he knew exactly what the card would be. She’d had a Flee card in her hand.

“Oh!” Both Troy and Kevin shouted at the same time.

“Didn’t see that one coming,” Troy added.

“Sister Ines is out of the fight!”

Team Quiteria has fled the fight.

Team Quiteria has lost their key.

The last standing deckmaster will gain their key.

Paz, who’d still been in the mouth of the giant snake, dissipated into dust.

The snake hissed in outrage and turned its attention on the closest crawler.

Me.

Geraldo landed next to me, looking around wildly. “Brothers! Brothers! It is here!” he shouted, his voice full of glee. All around, seals and crabs died and continued to get pulled into hell portals. “The battle of our lives is here!

Oh! Oh! Ready, bitches? Ready for the flip-flap?” He started to make Bruce Lee noises as he somersaulted into the fray toward a pair of crabs.

“Not that way!” Donut shrieked. “Geraldo, get back here this instant!”

“Don’t worry about the snake,” Samantha called. “I got it!”

I slammed onto Protective Shell just as the snake lunged.

Every mob. Every demon. Every zombie. The weird, low-level turtle. All the crabs and the seals. They all blasted away under my shell. It was like I’d set off a bomb. All the closest mobs flew into the woods and beyond, leaving us suddenly alone except for Mongo and one more clockwork Mongo.

“That’ll clear a room,” Troy said.

“Hey!” Samantha called. “I was going to do that!”

Lazarus-a-Bang-Bang appeared. Donut tossed a temporary shield onto him. He pulled his weapon to his shoulder. This time it was a rocket launcher, similar to what camels used on the fifth floor. He aimed in the general direction that turtle had flown, and he fired. The missile corkscrewed into the trees, exploding.

“Donut, don’t keep a Flee card in your hand,” I yelled.

“I already discarded it,” she called. “Where did he go? And why did he summon that turtle? Carl, my hand sucks right now. I can’t discard for several seconds, and it’s all snare cards!”

Geraldo, who’d still been in the shell’s area when it cast, continued to unnecessarily flip as he moved off in a random direction, screaming at the top of his lungs.

I scanned the sky, but I didn’t see Quan. I could see the snake, who’d actually taken some damage from getting tossed away. It wasn’t attacking anymore. It had its head straight up in the air, and it was moving back and forth, casting a spell.

“Lazarus,” I called, pointing at the snake.

“I see it,” the robed totem said, lifting his launcher to his shoulder, aiming at the snake.

“Samantha,” I said. “Your job is to get that Quan guy. Think you can do that?”

“The one-armed guy with the pretty cloak thing? Oh, that’s easy. Where’s he at?”

“There!” Donut cried, pointing in the sky. Quan was coming back. He was already throwing a card out just as I cast Super Spreader.

“No!” Donut suddenly called as her entire hand of three cards blinked and disappeared. They reappeared a moment later. “Carl, he switched hands with me! Three for three! Carl, it’s all Flee cards!”

I looked up in horror as I saw Quan grinning as he cast another Force Play.

“Now that’s an ass-kicking if I ever saw one,” Troy said.

Your Squad has used a Flee Card.

Your Squad has lost their key!

Your key has been transferred to Team Quan!

Team Quiteria’s key has been transferred to Team Quan!

Teleporting Now.

Combat Complete. Deck has been reset.

New Achievement! The Fumble.

The clock is ticking down, and with everything hanging in the balance, you pulled an Earnest Byner and lost the ball at the goal line.

Reward: If you don’t fix this, this is how you will be remembered.

Silence followed as Donut, Mongo, Samantha, and I all plopped into dark, swampy woods. I had no idea where we were.

“Does he have to stay in the fight?” Donut cried, all poofed out, jumping to her feet. “Can we get back there in time? Does he already have the keys?

What do we do? What do we do?”

“I don’t think we were locked in,” I said as I jumped into my chat. “He ain’t sticking around if he doesn’t have to. It says he already has the keys!

He’s a coward. He won’t risk it if he doesn’t have to. He’s heading straight for the exit.”

Carl: Imani. Quan has the keys. He has both keys. He might be coming to you right now. He’s going down the stairs. You’re our only chance to stop him.

Carl: If anyone is out there who hears me and is in the Cuba area.

Stay by the exit in the Capitol building. Quan Ch has both sets of keys, and he’s headed to one of the two exits. You have to stop him.

There was a short pause.

Ren: It’s us, Carl. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner. It’s us.

We’ll be ready.

Donut, who was already poofed out, hissed in anger at Tserendolgor’s

message.

Imani: I’ll do my best.

I quickly made a new chat group.

Carl: Okay. Both of you. Be careful. He’s really good, but he’s not going to be feeling well. I cast my Super Spreader on him at the last second. He’s going to be leaking slugs. You have to delay him as long as possible. With each passing minute, the slugs will get worse and worse.

They’ll fight for him, but each time one comes out, it damages him more, so he’ll be distracted. You have to stop him. I can get all three groups of us out, but that’s it. And only if we stop him.

Red dots surrounded us in the forest. It was more of the duendes. The little, shoe-loving goblin things were everywhere, even in the woods. I looked at the map, trying to figure out where we were.

Donut looked up at me, eyes shining. “I failed. I failed, Carl, and now we’re going to die. Imani is going to die, and it’s my fault.”

“No, Donut. Not yet. I want you to rearrange your deck. Just totems, the combo card, and some Time Extends. Do it fast, and then you’re going to initiate a card battle with the duendes over there. Samantha. Come here. I need you!”