The Eye of the Bedlam Bride — Chapter no 54

[ 54 ]

th <Note Added by Crawler Priestly. 14Edition> Stab, stab, stab. It is all I know.

It is the final days of Faction Wars, and it is clear the orcs will stand victorious. It is clear the army I have been conscripted into will fall against these beasts. It is clear tomorrow I will die. The brutality and sadism of the Skull Empire is unparalleled. How is it these monsters are only play-acting? How can their citizens see this and not rise up after learning what lives in their leaders’ hearts? I will soon be facing them on the battlefield. Tomorrow morning the bugbears march. Several of the enslaved, conscript crawlers in my squad will flee in the night and hide in the forest, but I’m afraid they will be run down, just like the others. Stab, stab, stab. I don’t want to go back into the city. That beautiful dream. That song of a place. I am terrified. My mind is slipping. That beautiful city, destroyed? I cannot march with my eyes closed. The orcs have the numbers and the brutality, and the bugbears do nothing but laugh. I overheard one of them wondering out loud if the gods themselves will notice the battle, the bloodbath. That happens here, in this place. The gods notice when the toll is too great. They add themselves to the fray. It is proof to me that in reality we are truly alone. My people are gone. There are only 300 of us left, down from millions. And they, the real gods, have not intervened? No. No. It’s undeniable proof of our solitude.

Stab. Stab. Stab.

I hope there is music, in the end.

nd <Note added by Crawler Drakea. 22Edition> This is Priestly’s second-to-last entry. Do yourself a favor. Don’t read that last one. He doesn’t make it to the battle once he sees what has happened to Larracos, and that’s all you really need to know.

Fuck them all.

ELLE: YOU HAVE TO FIGURE THIS OUT. SHE HAS A MARTYR COMPLEX, and she’s not going to want to fight someone else. She’s a good kid. The best person I ever met, and we need her. Don’t let her give up. Don’t let her sacrifice herself.

Carl: I’m doing my best. You be careful, too. Do you know who

you’re facing down yet?

Elle: Not yet.

We bumped over potholes, pushing through the dark night. We went maddeningly slow, constantly on the lookout. Samantha sat in front of me, squealing with delight as we rode, despite the slow speed. I could hear her happy cries over the roar of the engine. It’d started to rain again, which turned my visibility to shit. We’d hit the coast soon, and then we’d turn east toward the church.

Ahead of me, Donut and Mongo lurched to a stop, and I pulled up. Donut shouted something, and I cut the engine. It was approaching five in the morning, but it was still pitch-black outside. The sun wouldn’t rise for another few hours.

“Really, Carl. How are we ever going to sneak up on anybody when you’re riding on that thing? You’re going to attract every monster in the entire country. There are a lot of red dots ahead. And a lot of Xs, too. I’m sure even the dead ones heard us coming.”

“I like it,” Samantha said. “The vibrations make it tingle.” She had some black and red moth thing splattered against her wet face, and I peeled it off of her. She bit the bug out of my hand and started loudly chewing on it.

Donut had a point about the noise of the bike, and I unlashed Samantha from the handlebars, dropping her to the ground. She growled and started

circling me, making motorcycle noises as she continued to chew on the bug.

The love doll head was absolutely brimming with energy, more than usual. I picked up the bike, pulling it into my inventory.

We were about five miles from Sister Ines’s exit, and there was still no sign of her. She likely didn’t have a vehicle, so it’d probably take her an extra day or two to make it toward her exit. I hoped. At least she was still alive.

She was still in my chat, but if she went down the stairwell, I wasn’t sure if there’d be a notification or not.

Quan had dropped a few low-level nail traps and a silent alarm trap near the doorway, and Imani had easily disabled them. She remained in the saferoom, sitting there with the door open to watch the exit.

“Do you hear that?” Donut asked, cocking her head in the rain. “It sounds like singing. It sounds like it’s a bunch of the monk seals singing. Carl, do you think they won their war against the crabs? Raul is going to be really sad.”

I listened. Sure enough, it was there in the distance, barely audible in the rain. It almost sounded like one of those Gregorian chant albums Bea used to listen to when she did her yoga. They were really far away. “We haven’t gotten an update to the Chowder War Quest, so I don’t know. We should probably figure out what’s going on before we get closer.” I extended my xistera and also pulled the head-thrower extension and attached it with a click. “Samantha. Recon mission.”

“Oh boy,” she said, jumping into the air and floating directly into the scoop. She started wriggling. “Throw me! Throw me, Carl!”

“Okay. Don’t interact. Don’t get into a fight. Just tell us what you see, and I’ll pull you back. And for god’s sake, don’t bring anything back with

you.”

“You got it, boss!” she said.

I spun once and tossed, trying to aim her at the coast. Too far, and she’d probably end up in the gullet of a whale, so I had to be careful.

“Carl, look! She’s glowing!” Donut said, looking up at the flying form of Samantha.

“It’s just like the last floor,” I said, watching her arc across the sky.

“She’s getting stronger the longer the floor is going. After the Butcher’s Masquerade, she flew off and went back to the saferoom on her own. But when this floor started, she could barely roll.”

“She says she’s the goddess of unrequited love,” Donut said. “Maybe she

gets stronger every time somebody asks someone out and gets rejected.” She gasped. “Or maybe every time she asks someone out and gets rejected. She’s always hitting on Louis, but he’s scared of her. And she keeps talking about some guy named Charles she was recently dating, but they broke up.” Donut lowered her voice to a whisper. “Apparently they got to third base.”

“Charles was a bartender in the Desperado Club. He’s dead now.”

“What? The badger guy on the middle floor? Oh no, I liked him! I didn’t know he was dead! He made me a virgin dirty Shirley once! My word. I hoped he washed his hands before he made my drink.”

“That’s just a regular Shirley Temple, and yeah. He died during that whole clusterfuck that closed the club. I’m starting to think maybe Samantha gets more powerful every time somebody dies.” I looked north, but she’d already landed on the beach. “If that’s the case, we really need to be careful of her on the next floor. If we let her inhabit the body of Signet’s mom, I’m afraid she’s going to end up stronger than we can handle.”

Samantha: THERE IS A LOT GOING ON, AND I HAVE NO IDEA

HOW TO DESCRIBE IT.

Carl: Do your best.

Samantha: OKAY BUT IT’S REALLY GROSS AND CREEPY. IT’S LIKE A PARTY AT YARILO’S PLACE BEFORE HE GOT SENT TO THE NOTHING BUT WITH A LOT LESS WEIRD SEX. THAT’S THE BEST DESCRIPTION I GOT.

Carl: That is not a goddamned description. What, exactly, do you see?

Samantha: IT SMELLS WORSE, TOO. AND THERE’S NO CATERING. YARILO NEVER HAD GOOD CATERING. PARTIES LIVE AND DIE BASED ON THE FOOD CHOICES. EVEN IF IT’S AN ORGY, YOU GOTTA HAVE SOME SORT OF PROTEIN AVAILABLE.

Donut: OMG THAT IS SO TRUE. WHEN CARL INVITED HIS FRIENDS OVER TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES HE WOULD ONLY HAVE BEER, PRETZEL STICKS, AND GOLDFISH CRACKERS. IT WAS QUITE APPALLING.

Samantha: THAT’S TERRIBLE. IT’S NO WONDER HE WORSHIPS EMBERUS. HIS PARTIES ALWAYS SUCKED.

HELLIK’S WERE MUCH BETTER. HE ALWAYS HAD CANAPÉS.

Donut: THAT SOUNDS LIKE A DELIGHT.

Carl: Samantha. Holy shit. We are in a hurry. What do you see?

Samantha: THERE IS A GIANT SEA CREATURE SNAKE THING THAT HAS WASHED UP ON SHORE. IT’S A FRESHWATER SNAKE, TOO, BUT IT WAS IN THE OCEAN? IT’S REALLY BIG AND IN A GIANT COIL. IT HAS A BUNCH OF BABY SEALS AND CRABS CRAWLING ALL OVER IT AND I’M PRETTY SURE THEY’RE ZOMBIES. THE BABIES ARE ADORABLE. THERE ARE A BUNCH OF OTHER SEALS AND CRABS SURROUNDING IT, AND THEY’RE NOT UNDEAD. THE NON-ZOMBIE SEALS ARE SINGING AND THE CRABS ARE DANCING AROUND THE SNAKE, AND IT’S REALLY WEIRD. MAYBE THEY’RE REHEARSING FOR A MUSICAL DANCE NUMBER? I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING OR WHY. NOBODY IS FIGHTING, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE THEY WERE NOT LONG AGO. THERE ARE A LOT OF DEAD ONES EVERYWHERE. LOTS OF SEAL AND CRAB GUTS SPREAD ALL OVER THE PLACE. THERE ARE FISH, TOO.

ZOMBIE FISH FLOPPING AROUND ON THE GROUND. I THINK THE SEAGULLS ARE ALSO ZOMBIES. OH, OH, AND THE OCEAN

IS FROTHING AND RED.

“Holy crap,” I muttered.

Carl: Wait, is the giant sea snake undead also?

“Carl, did you understand any of that? So there are more zombies? It sounds like some sort of scene out of a Bollywood movie. Why are they singing and dancing? This is ridiculous!”

“I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m pretty sure the zombies are from the farm animals. One probably fell in the ocean, bit a fish, and it spread from there.”

“That was from a different zone! They can’t cross zones, Carl. They’re cheating!”

Samantha: I’M NOT SURE IF THE GIANT SNAKE IS A ZOMBIE OR NOT. I’M TOO FAR AWAY TO ASK. HANG ON AND LET ME GET CLOSER. MAYBE I’LL ASK THE CAT LADY RIDING ON THE

SNAKE’S HEAD.

“Fuck me,” I said. “It’s Sister Ines.”

Carl: Is it a card battle? Does she have cards floating in front of her, or is there anything floating over the snake’s head?

Samantha: NO. NOTHING LIKE THAT. THE CAT LADY LOOKS

LIKE SHE’S RECITING POETRY.

Donut: THAT SOUNDS DISGUSTING. I BET HER POETRY IS TERRIBLE.

Samantha: ALL POETRY SUCKS. PEOPLE JUST PRETEND TO LIKE IT BECAUSE IT MAKES THEM SOUND CULTURED AND SMART. UNLESS IT’S PART OF A SONG. IT’S JUST LIKE LOOKING AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR AND TAPPING YOUR OWN ACORNS.

Donut: I’M NOT SURE WHAT YOU’RE TRYING TO SAY THERE, BUT I AGREE 100%. I DO LIKE BERETS, THOUGH. ALL POETS SHOULD WEAR THEM.

There was a pause, and I knew what that meant. I tensed myself. I was expecting an update to the Chowder War quest. What happened instead

surprised me.

Quest Failed. The Chowder War.

“Failed?” Donut asked out loud. “What happened? We didn’t do anything! Carl, I told you her poetry was terrible!”

New Quest. Hell Comes to Crawler Town.

War is Hell.

For days now, the battles between the Monk Seals and the Red Maníseros Land Crabs have reached a fevered pitch. The sneak attack of the crabs was stopped in its tracks thanks to crawler Sister Ines Quiteria warning the Seals of the treachery, but that warning has come with a terrible price. Instead of a quick attack and surrender, it has become a war of attrition, with both sides losing devastating numbers in only a matter of days.

The sea runs red and blue. The corpses pile high upon the beach. The very children both parties were trying to save have suffered, and by this point, the only hope of survival from either side is for them to completely wipe out their enemy.

That’s how it is, is it not? When there is war, so often an armistice is nothing more than a delay. A job left undone. An overdue bill for those down the road to eventually pay, and pay with interest.

War is Hell.

And hell, my child, hell is not just a place. It is a contagion. It is a

virus. It spreads.

But worst of all, it attracts.

So much death has bombarded the underworld, those who notice such things have taken a special interest in this battle, in this war, in this minor annihilation of two species fighting for their very existence.

This happens from time to time. Gods and demons lifting their heads.

Oftentimes, that’s as far as it goes. A notice. An interest piqued.

This, I’m starting to learn, happens out there, too. But that’s for another day.

So much has happened here. Previously-forgotten gods have risen.

That alone has caused a great amount of consternation. But there is more. The great prison, the Nothing, has been breached, and not for the first time. This is also concerning, especially amongst those who banished the harem there in the first place. All across the land, gods and demons are being involuntarily summoned from their halls to walk the land.

Some of the gods are acting strange. They are acting in ways they should not.

Yes, yes. Both Demons and Gods are paying attention now. Real attention.

This usually happens here in the dungeon, but only upon the battlefields outside Larracos, where the Semeru Dwarves built their castle along the roots of the All Tree, seeking the very gods who disdain them.

It has never happened this early, this soon.

War is Hell…

And Hell really wants to come play.

Which is unfortunate, considering some dumbass recently dumped a bunch of highly-contagious, fast-spreading zombie farm animals into an ocean that connects everything.

Fun fact. Most demons can’t just enter the world. They need a weakened shell to inhabit. Something like a new corpse is difficult for

them. But if it’s a zombie… …

You no longer need to choose a side between the Crabs and the Seals because both sides are fucked. They just don’t know it yet. You just need to not die. Get down the stairs without being involuntarily dragged into hell. That’s how you win this quest.

Reward: You will receive a Legendary Quest Box. That, and a commemorative set of bagpipes.

“Uh,” I said.

Imani: I just got a really weird quest.

“Carl, what does that have to do with the Havana Brown riding on top of a snake? Or the singing seals? I am so confused. And why would we get a kilt? What is going on?”

“A kilt?” I asked. “It told me I’d get bagpipes.”

“We could start a band! But what did it mean when it said…”

She was interrupted by a new message.

System Message: Warning. Souls rain. Sheol overflows. The powers of hell are gleefully flinging their unwanted minions upward. Demons are being involuntarily ejected from the underworld, falling up, clinging onto anything they can.

Due to an excess of death, Demon Eviction is commencing. All recently-fallen and weakened are now subject to random possession. The larger the battles, the more likely a mass demon event will initiate. All evicted demons who wish to return to Sheol may only do so by dragging an additional soul back down with them to prove their worth. Luckily they are limited by the physical bodies they inhabit, though their power

will be somewhat increased.

You have been warned.

Area Message: Warning: Cuba is currently experiencing a Demon Eviction event.

I looked at Donut. “This is what happens when you complain about too many undead hordes.”

“By making more undead? I don’t even know what’s happening. How is this my fault? If anyone is responsible for an undead apocalypse, it’s quite obviously going to be the cat girl nun, Carl!”

“Demons aren’t undead,” I said. “The rules are different. You ever see any of the Evil Dead movies? And I was just joking. This isn’t your fault, and it doesn’t have anything to do with the nun, either. Not directly. It’s the AI fucking with everything, making everything more complicated.”

“But what’s actually happening?”

“I think random zombies are going to start turning into demons. Instead of biting you, they’ll be trying to drag you into hell. So we need to make sure none get even close to us.”

Mordecai: Holy shit. Okay guys, pay attention. This is something that

normally happens at the end of the ninth floor. It’ll reset once you go down the stairs, but it’ll pop off earlier and earlier each floor down from now on, especially during big battles. It’s all part of the setup for the Ascendency fight. If it pops too soon on the next floor, it’ll really mess with Faction Wars. It’s meant to first happen when there are only two or three teams left. If you kill something from now on, make sure you chop off the head or take the corpse. Stay away from any weak undead like zombies or skellies. Don’t let them grapple with you. Anything that’s dead-dead can be randomly taken over by a demon, too, but that’s more rare, and it means it’s a powerful demon. You’ll know when it happens either way. They are stronger and faster than the zombies, and they are intelligent. The good news is they’re still limited to the shells they’re possessing. They’ll be at a tiny fraction of their true power. But don’t underestimate them. Don’t let them near. They will physically grab onto you, a portal will open, and you’ll be dragged down to Sheol. It’ll be automatic death for both of you, so be careful.

Carl: The nun is here, surrounded by undead. I don’t know what’s going on, but it sounds like she’s fucked.

Mordecai: If you want to save Imani, you’ll have to get to that nun before the demons do. If she’s pulled into hell, her body will explode, and you’ll never get the key.

I jumped into action. “Donut, get ready,” I said as I used my free arm to start tossing traps onto the ground all around us. I found some of the traps I’d looted during the Astrid assassination clusterfuck, and I tossed those, too.

“Get ready for a card battle.”

“What?” she asked, a panicked edge to her voice. “Now? Here? How?”

“Hurry. Cast your spells. Clockwork triplicate Mongo. Did you switch the spell on the staff card?”

“Yes! But what’s happening? Who are we fighting?”

Carl: Samantha. You have a very important mission. You need to get onto the snake, roll past all the zombies, and chomp onto the cat lady.

Tell me the moment you bite her. Watch out for demons. Don’t let them grab you. Do you think you can do that? Use your flying ability if you can.

Samantha: YOU TOLD ME NOT TO BRING ANYBODY BACK.

Carl: I changed my mind! Hurry!

Samantha: YOU ARE VERY WISHY WASHY.

Carl: Hurry. Tell me the moment you bite her.

I turned to Donut as she dropped a few potions on the ground around her.

“Okay, we know she has the Monk Seal card and the Paz card. What else?”

“She probably changed up her cards when she got her key! And what about the giant snake? Is that a card?”

“I don’t think it is. I think maybe she charmed it. I think maybe she’s charming all of them with that song.”

“It’s not a song, Carl. She’s a poet. She’s using poetry! She’s charming them with poetry. This is so unrealistic!”

That reminded me, and I cast Wisp Armor on myself. That would protect me against charm magic and some spells. Donut cast Clockwork Triplicate on Mongo, and the two clockworks screeched as they appeared, spreading off to the side, bouncing up and down with excitement.

Donut, despite her initial panic, seemed to have calmed herself. She popped her sunglasses back on and switched to her sailor hat, which lowered the draw countdown on her cards by two seconds. “We were going to do Second Chance on some corpses, too. Should we still do it with the demon thing?”

I thought about that for a moment, and I decided it wasn’t worth the risk.

“We better hold off. Not until we have a better handle on how this demon thing works. Get ready.”

Samantha: I DID THE CHOMP! DO IT. DO IT NOW, CARL! I

WILL HELP WITH THE SPELL!

“Here we go!”

I dropped the xistera extension, calling Samantha back to me. I jumped back, trying to give myself enough space. I didn’t want her landing right on

top of me.

I didn’t jump back far enough.