The Eye of the Bedlam Bride — Chapter no 39

[ 39 ]

IT WASN’T UNTIL WE WERE FIGHTING FOR TOKEN NUMBER SIX DID WE actually have to use Donut’s deck. And even then, the fight ended quickly.

So far, they’d all been regular, intelligent monsters holding cards. All had been waiting for us under streetlights. They’d gone up by five levels each time. The third—a level 50 turtle thing—was by himself, but the fourth and fifth opponents both had two bodyguards working with them, designed to keep me and Mongo from one-shotting the deckmaster. It didn’t work. We finished all these fights before anybody could play a single card. None had great loot.

All of them were just waiting for us there along the path to the dirt mound. After some time observing this newest guy, I was certain my earlier theory was correct. They were literally frozen in place until we approached.

We were also receiving good experience for this, getting a decent chunk each time we defeated one. I was now level 68 and Donut was level 59.

Mongo finally hit level 40.

Donut was bitching that this setup was “boring” and uninteresting to the fans, but I was happy to get it over with. I had an ominous feeling about what we’d find there up on top of that mound of dirt.

This opponent number six stood just to the side of the road at the base of the pile, which was situated at the end of the island, standing near a lit sign giving the distance to Key West. The heap completely blocked the road and covered a bridge that presumably led to the next island over. Even at the base, I couldn’t see the top.

The creature in our way was a Level-65 Reef Explorer, and he was wearing an ethereal, glowing deep-dive suit, similar to what Zev wore when she was in the dungeon. He had a group of four bodyguards. All four were level-50 Swordfish Interlopers. These guys were bipedal, human-sized

creatures with the heads of swordfish, only the heads stuck straight up in the air, and they could barely move their necks. The vertical swords glinted menacingly. They didn’t have arms, but little flippers on each side. Their legs were short, penguin-like. The creatures waddled menacingly toward us as the squad leader guy shouted something, something we couldn’t hear through his helmet.

This guy was a ghost-class mob, so I pulled out one of my holy water- infused hob-lobbers and tossed it at him, throwing over the heads of the swordfish. But the moment I tossed it, one of the swordfish dudes, with surprising speed and precision, spit out a stream of water, knocking the small bomb off target, causing it to blow prematurely. He then made a chirping, staccato dolphin-like noise and launched himself straight into the sky. He hit the apex, paused in the night air, pivoted, and propelled himself at me like a goddamned missile.

“Oh fuck!” I cried, dancing out of the way. The guy smashed into the ground with a wet splatch, burying himself upside down in the dirt at the edge of the road. The long sword head completely embedded into the ground, all the way to his eyes. If he’d hit me, I’d have been turned into a kebab. Now stuck, he started to helplessly bicycle his short legs. I cast Talon Strike on my foot and started to kick at him.

At the same moment, a digital wave of water rushed across the space between us as two more of the Swordfish guys appeared, jumping out of the fake waves. They did a flip and landed right in front of the deckmaster. These were two cards played by the Reef Explorer guy.

The AI screamed with excitement: Splish-Splash you gonna get slashed, it’s Swordfish Interlopers!

The two newcomers looked identical to the bodyguards already here, only these had totem notifications over their heads with little timers counting down from 90.

In front of me, the upside-down guy died, just as another of the bodyguards launched himself into the air at me. The deckmaster guy added a buff to one of the totems, something called Precision. He then added a second Precision card on the same totem.

Mongo leaped through the air and chomped the flying swordfish like he was a dog catching a frisbee, his tail whipping. He hit the ground and his Earthquake ability activated, causing the remaining swordfish guys to fall off their feet and start flopping like, well, fish. The dive suit guy did not stumble.

Mongo savagely tore at his prey.

We all paused as church organ music bellowed out, thick and loud. Fat, naked, digital babies with little wings fluttered around us, fountaining into the air as Donut summoned one of our team’s newest totems.

I hadn’t seen this guy yet, and I wasn’t sure what to expect. It was the card that Donut made when she’d used the combo card.

She’d combined Uzi Jesus and Asojano.

Sparkles rained from the wings of the cherubs as the totem rose from the ground, spinning and shrouded in smoke. The angel babies flew off, and a herd of digital street dogs burst away from the spinning figure, barking and running in all directions as the music swelled. Only then did the smoke clear, revealing the figure.

It was easily the craziest, most over-the-top reveal sequence of all our cards. Donut loved it, despite the appearance of the street dogs.

The figure was a dirty, sandaled, robed figure, hunched over and sickly.

A glowing nimbus surrounded his head, lighting the area further. The light had an uneasy, green tint to it. His drooping hood obscured his face. He used his large weapon as a walking stick. The man took a tentative step forward.

He was level-140, just like Uzi Jesus had been, which was lucky. Asojano had been 130.

Jesus had an uzi. Asojano had a strange, large-sized wand made from shells.

This guy had a goddamned bazooka. A magical bazooka that fired something different every time.

“Here comes my favorite part,” Donut said.

The AI shouted the introduction like he was announcing a boxing match.

It’s the Son Who Fell. The Sinner, Resurrected. The Bringer of Disease, Bringer of Salvation. The Ender of All Blasphemy. It’s the calamitous, rapturous, and ultimately hazardous master of the life-death

boomerang.

It’s Lazarus-A-Bang-Bang!

Yet another digital explosion appeared as the hunched man crept painfully forward. Our opponent and all the remaining bodyguards and totems were in the midst of pulling themselves upright. They paused to gawk at the newcomer and the ridiculous display.

“Is it really going to do all that every time?” I asked. Mongo looked up from the now-dead swordfish to growl.

“Isn’t it great?” Donut asked. “I wish I had an entrance theme like that!”

The hood fell back to reveal a boil-covered, dark-skinned man wearing a crown of thorns, but the thorns obscured his eyes like a blindfold. He stood to his full height, and I realized the decrepit, old man persona had been an act.

He was definitely older, but he was ripped. His arms heaved with power.

Holy crap, I thought. That dude is intense.

He pulled the bazooka to his shoulder.

“Welcome to your salvation, motherfuckers.”

The man had a deep, strong voice. His accent was similar to Asojano’s but somehow reminiscent of Uzi Jesus at the same time. It was like they’d taken every 80’s action hero and smooshed them into a single character.

He pushed the firing mechanism just as the remaining totems and bodyguards burst into the air. It was two swordfish totems and two regular

mobs.

Thwum!

A cloud of … something burst from the weapon, split, and corkscrewed in the air, hitting all four of the swordfish at the same time. All four—including the one that had been buffed with utility cards—dropped like a sack of pennies. They all writhed on the ground.

Beetles. They were covered with iridescent, scratching beetles that glinted in the light like they were made of metal. There were thousands of them. The fish were devoured in seconds. Mongo screeched in terror and backed away.

The two totems puffed away in smoke as the other two chittered in pain as they were turned to skeletons. The moment they were dead, the beetles turned to dust.

“He’s great, isn’t he?” Donut shouted. “He has a few different weapons, too, and you don’t know what he’s going to have! Sometimes it’s a bazooka that shoots bugs. Sometimes it’s an RPG thing that just blows stuff up!”

Donut summoned Raul the crab, who blasted onto the scene with a pale- by-comparison explosion. He scuttled sideways toward the backing-away Reef Explorer.

“He’s a ghost,” Donut called. “You have to use magic to kill him. Hurry before he summons another totem!”

Raul turned and bowed. He paused briefly, sat on the ground, and chanted a short spell. His right claw started to glow. He stood and continued toward the creature, who’d backed up against a tree as he desperately tossed away another card.

“Want me to blast him?” Lazarus asked Donut. There was a blinking countdown hovering over his bazooka. A stream of smoke rose from the business end of the large, cartoonish weapon. It was a cooldown timer, and it was at ten seconds.

Lazarus suddenly jumped in surprise upon seeing me standing there. He jerked the bazooka back up to his shoulder and pointed it at me. “Who are you?” he demanded.

“Lazarus-A-Bang-Bang, you put that down this instant! That’s our friend, Carl!”

“Yeah, okay,” he said reluctantly. He lowered the giant weapon. But then he did that dude bro thing where he jerked his shoulders forward like he was going to rush me. He looked me up and down, despite his eyes being covered by the thorns. “Yeah, I thought so. Made ya flinch.”

Mongo let out another angry squawk.

The robed man turned back to Raul, who continued to scuttle after the glowing ghost, who was now screeching and running away, weaving in and out of the dark trees. “Let me end this. That pansy is taking too long.”

Donut shook her head as she discarded one of her cards. She tossed a Greased Lightning card at Raul, and it spun off like a ninja star. It zipped across the distance and dodged a tree before hitting the crab in a sparkle of digital confetti. “You just stay here and protect me, Lazarus. Let Raul get some experience. It’ll build his self-confidence.”

“But I want to kill the bad guy. I’m gonna tell my father if you don’t let me do it.”

“Does he still think he’s Jesus?” I asked.

Lazarus made a scoffing noise.

“I’m not quite certain what he thinks,” Donut said. “It’s like he has the memories of both totems.”

Across the way, Raul snapped at the ghost. The Reef Explorer guy had a handful of cards, but he apparently couldn’t play any of them. The guy tried to run behind a tree, but the speed-enhanced Raul snapped again, cutting his leg off. Ghostly water flowed from the severed limb, the suit deflated, and the creature dropped dead.

Combat Complete. The deck has been reset.

“I could’ve done it a lot faster,” Lazarus grumbled as he and Raul poofed away.

I just looked at the space where the guy had stood. That card was

ridiculously powerful. Stronger even than Shi Maria possibly. It gave me an uneasy feeling.

“Uh, has that guy fought alongside Shi Maria yet?”

“Yes!” Donut said. “They’re pretty competitive. They fight over who can kill the other guy first. They don’t seem to like each other much, and I think MaeMae is jealous of his reveal sequence. They both get along with Jola. His reveal is pretty good, too. The good news is Raul and Geraldo are finally tolerating each other. Lazarus is mean to Raul but he and Geraldo get along great. And everybody just kinda ignores Skylar Spinach.”

Across the way, a group of like 40 or 50 glowing cards appeared floating in the air. We trudged toward them. Donut recast her Torch spell.

I held out my hand. “Let me see his card.”

Donut waved over my palm, and the orange card appeared. I examined it

as we walked.

T’Ghee Card. Unique.

Totem Card.

Lazarus-A-Bang-Bang.

“I’m back, bitches!”

Level: 140.

Origin: This card was created via Combo.

Note: This card was frozen in place via a Glow-Up with active buffs.

Available utility slots have been lowered.

Summoning duration: 200 seconds.

Constitution: 80.

This is a ranged mob.

This is a healer mob.

This is an affliction-dealing mob.

Notable attacks: Oh Yeah? Well, I Have a Face-Melting Bazooka

Apocalyptic Plague

Resurrect Totem +25 additional skills and spells.

Examine in the squad details tab of your interface for full stats and skills and spells.

I handed the card back to Donut. “His duration is great. His constitution is decent, but it’s a lot lower than both Asojano and Uzi Jesus. Wasn’t Jesus’s constitution at 200?”

“Yeah, he appeared with it really low. It started at 20, and I only got it up to 80 after I’d buffed him and made it permanent! It made him the same level as Jesus, and he has most of the same skills as both of them. Both Jesus and Asojano were undead, but he’s not. Also, if you look, he only has two utility card slots. Both Jesus and Asojano had seven. His bazooka is great. Last time in the arena, it shot feathers! I thought that was going to be stupid, but they cut the guy into pieces, and it was really pretty. Even MaeMae said it was quite a stylish way to kill. He’s kind of a jerk, though. He calls everybody a pansy. Still, he’s not nearly as bad as either Asojano or Jesus. At least he does what I ask. Usually. You know, he reminds me a lot of Brad, but with worse skin.”

I grunted. Brad was Bea’s ex-boyfriend and the guy she’d gone to the Bahamas with. I never did ask what happened to him. If Bea had been outside during the collapse, that meant he’d likely been outside, too.

We reached the large display of cards floating in the air. Donut looked over it and sniffed with derision.

The Reef Explorer only summoned two totems, but he’d had four total.

Another swordfish and a rare squid-looking thing. After a cursory glance, Donut discarded them.

“It’s no wonder he couldn’t pull any more cards,” she said. “Look at all these utility cards. It ruined his deck! He’s lucky he pulled two at the start.

He doesn’t even have any traps! I see the attack he was going for, but I mean, really. He had to get the perfect draw to pull it off.” She scoffed. “Amateur hour.”

Sure enough, there were thirty of the Precision utility cards. I snatched one out of the air, and it let me. The card basically increased the totem’s capacity to land an attack. The cards had a special ability that made it so they stacked, so if one used ten on a single totem, it still only counted as a single buff. I felt a chill. He’d buffed one of those swordfish guys like four times. If that one had managed to attack, I wouldn’t have been able to dodge. That fight had been more dangerous than we’d realized.

I had a persistent itch at my neck, and I scratched at it. I suspected it was because of the soul bar for my back patch. The bar was almost full, but not quite. So far I hadn’t felt any obvious ill effects of having the Scavenger’s Daughter patch, but every time it started to get near full, I felt uneasy. I just needed to kill one or two more things before I could disperse the power.

Still… I worried I might need the power for the last fight. If I unloaded it

now, the bar wouldn’t refill by the time we needed it for the boss guarding the key. Not if the only mobs here were the deckmaster guys.

Donut collected the sixth coin after grabbing all the other cards. She was talking non-stop now about card theory and about what other crawlers were doing with their decks. She was really into it, and by this point, I was starting to realize she knew more about this game than I did.

“The next guy is all the way up there,” she was saying. “Do you want to go back to base first? We don’t know if there’ll be any saferooms up there, and if I’m going to be climbing all the way up there, I don’t want to have to do it multiple times. Or in the dark.” She gasped. “Do you think I can use my Hover skill to do it? That would be great!”

I examined the pile of earth. Part of it was already eroding into the ocean.

We had multiple options on how to get to the top of the pile, which was about 700 feet up. Luckily, the edge of the mound wasn’t sheer, and I could just scale my way up it if I had to. I still had a few Levitation potions. Plus we could Puddle Jump up there. I’d probably try climbing first to see how long it would take, but I wasn’t about to do that in the dark. My neck itched again.

“Let’s go back to the saferoom, check in with everybody, and reset our buffs. Then we’ll come right back out. We need to get this done before the whole place washes away.”