The Eye of the Bedlam Bride — Chapter no 35

[ 35 ]

“I MUST SAY,” ODETTE LAUGHED, “IN A DAY FILLED WITH SURPRISES, that was a, how do you say? A dessert worthy of a king? I think the phrase in your language is, ‘the cherry on top.’” Her voice echoed unnaturally in the large chamber. On the screen, we’d just watched a submerged viceroy from team Madness get devoured by a shark.

The production trailer we sat in was the same one as the last time we’d gone on Odette’s show, but her set was different. The audience was much bigger, and her desk and chairs were made to appear as if we were on stage in a large auditorium, which caused the echo to her voice. It was implied we were actually in the city of Larracos, within some baroque-style theater.

Along the virtual walls were water-stained, peeling posters for plays and musicals. My eyes caught one for a play called “Session of Love.” It reminded me of the poster for Gone with the Wind, only it was a camel holding onto a swooning saccathian wearing a yellow wig.

I knew Odette had just arrived in Earth orbit, so the change of scenery was for the benefit of the audience.

“It’s not as fun watching them die when we know they’re going to be brought back at the end of the day,” Donut complained. She looked up at the audience. “Does that poor shark still get to keep all the food in his tummy, or does it teleport away?” The audience laughed. “It’s like when Carl used to complain to his friends that Miss Beatrice was giving him blue balls. Is there

a blue balls equivalent for food?”

I grunted. “I never said that.”

“I’m being serious. Are they even feeding those guys? We are on the eighth floor for goodness sake, and that city has been flooded since the end of the fifth, and they still haven’t gotten rid of those sharks? That has got to be some sort of animal abuse. The least they can do is let them eat somebody for

real.”

“Oh, they get fed all right,” Odette said. “The Semeru aren’t letting anyone near that part of the city, and they’re keeping the castle submerged.

Mercenaries and players alike are getting fed into that pit on the daily. That little stunt at the Desperado Club ended up ejecting several trapped officials and participants from various factions, all of whom were quickly devoured or pulled their fail safes. Only one of the killed was a warlord.”

An image of a hairy alien appeared on the screen, flailing in the water. I’d never seen this guy before, but I recognized him. I had a picture of his mother. He hadn’t been at the meeting. His proxy had been a goblin-like alien named Luke. This guy was a different alien all together. His head was like that of a caterpillar, but I was pretty sure he walked on two legs. He had several arms that waved about in the water. The audience laughed as he was ripped apart, torn into pieces by a pair of concierge sharks.

“Commander Stockade of the Lemig Sortion was the last of the 35 to be devoured,” Odette said.

“Only 35 bad guys got eaten? It’s a good start, but not nearly enough,”

Donut said.

Odette chuckled. “Five teams all filed new complaints. They’re saying that Carl destroying the club and forcing that mass exit should constitute a foul and attack. They’re asking for sanctions.”

I grunted with derision.

“That’s quite the stretch,” Donut agreed. “Samantha somehow accidentally allowed a demon out of the Nothing, and the demon lady ended up destroying the club so bad they had to kick everyone out? One could hardly expect Carl to have predicted that. It was just a happy little accident, as that afro guy says. Carl says we did them a favor, anyway. Isn’t that right,

Carl?”

“That’s right.”

“How do you figure that?” asked Odette.

I made eye contact with Quasar, who stood off stage and to the side. He gave me a thumbs up. I tried to ignore Harbinger, who stood behind him in the back corner of the small hold. The massive goat liaison stood in shadow.

His virtual avatar was taller than the ceiling of the room, and his head was half cut off, like in a video game. Zev was also here, also attending as a holo, standing on the opposite side of the studio. She was whispering to Lexis, Odette’s assistant, the only person who was really here with us.

I leaned forward on the couch. “Look. Those assholes have been sitting on their butts in the bottom floor of the Desperado since we trapped them there all those weeks ago. They were trapped there because the entrance bar in Larracos was destroyed. The only way out was for them to die and get regenerated. They could’ve killed themselves at any time. None of them did.

The rest of their teams have all been working their asses off while these idiots have been getting drunk and gambling away their citizens’ money. Anyone who was still there was nothing more than a huge wuss, including Corporal Caterpillar or whatever his name is. Now they’re all ejected from the club, and they can finally participate in the game. Donut is right. I had no idea any of that was going to happen. They should be thanking me, not whining like a

bunch of little bitches.”

The crowd cheered.

“Speaking of Faction Wars,” Odette said. The crab legs on her lower body rearranged themselves, the joints moving up and down like pistons. I was used to them by now, but whenever they moved, it gave me the heebies.

“I understand your face-to-face pre-production meetings have been suspended, and now you’re doing all the voting via your interface. Is that correct?”

I tensed. We were on dangerous ground. From the corner, Harbinger leaned forward. Before the interview, he warned he would stop the whole thing if either Donut or I gave up privileged information about behind-the- scenes stuff, including any information about Juice Box and her rebellion. It was stupid because the galaxy had to know all about this already. Donut and Louis were constantly talking about Juice Box. Still, if the liaison stopped the interview early, Odette wouldn’t get the chance to ask to be our adjutant. If Odette wasn’t our adjutant, then our deal with Huanxin to save Katia was null and void. Nobody knew this last part except me. I’d told Donut how important it was to get through this interview, but I hadn’t dared tell her all of it. All she knew was that she wasn’t allowed to talk once Odette mentioned the word “adjutant.”

Zev had begged us not to pick Odette. She’d have to get over it.

“That’s right,” Donut said cheerfully. “I do like going to the meetings, but they kept getting messed up.”

“In what way?” Odette asked, pouncing on the opening.

Donut waved a paw. “Oh, you know. Politics.” She turned to the crowd and stage-whispered, “I don’t think that orc Prince Stalwart likes us very

much. And that weird viceroy guy couldn’t keep his head about him. I do wish they’d allow the meetings to be streamed. That last one was quite entertaining. But…” She made a motion like she was zipping up her mouth.

Odette laughed along with the audience. She waved a hand, and a paragraph of text appeared floating in the air. “We all know that the participants get to vote on rule changes before the game officially starts.

Some of these rules can be voted on right until the moment the floor opens up. These are called action items. If an action item is voted down, we, unfortunately, never get to see what it was. But here’s something you guys probably don’t know. If an item gets rejected by the system before anyone can vote, we do get to see it. Our researchers happened to notice a few

interesting ones.”

The screen zoomed in on a line of text.

Action item proposed by Co-Warlord Princess Donut of the Princess Posse: Change the name of Crown Prince Stalwart to “Captain

Enormous.”

***Item rejected by system.

The crowd roared.

“I would love to hear the story about that one,” Odette asked, laughing.

I eyed Quasar, and he thought for a moment and then shook his head, “No.”

“Sorry,” I said, speaking before Donut could reply. “The lawyers are telling me that’s off-limits.”

“Oh, poo,” Donut said. “That was a good story. But, hypothetically, if someone randomly talked about the size of their own private parts without anyone else bringing it up, Captain Enormous would be a perfectly proper nickname for him. Again, Odette, this is pure supposition on my part.”

I held my breath, but Harbinger didn’t react. He appeared suddenly distracted, which was unusual for the goat liaison. Odette let the laughter die down before she pulled up the next screen. This was a group of three action

items I’d never seen before.

Holy shit, I thought, reading them.

Emergency Action item proposed by Warlord Empress D’Nadia of the Prism: delete all existing NPCs on Larracos level to maintain game

integrity for Faction Wars. ***Item rejected by system.

Emergency Action item proposed by Warlord Empress D’Nadia of

the Prism: Disallow crawlers from participating in Faction Wars in any

capacity. ***Item rejected by system.

Emergency Action item proposed by Warlord Empress D’Nadia of the Prism: Remove the Princess Posse from Faction Wars and/or delete

Crawlers Carl and Princess Donut.

***Item rejected by system.

“Huh,” I said.

“Oh my god,” Donut said at the same time, jumping to her paws on the chair. Her tail swished angrily. “That… that bitch! I thought she was my friend! She can’t do that! We didn’t even see these! Carl, do you see this!

She’s cheating! First she sells my sponsorship to, to…” She made an angry, strangled noise. “She tried to delete us!”

Before anyone could respond, Donut gasped with new indignation. “Carl, I just realized something. I’m starting to think maybe she really did vote against Mongo in the pet show! This is an outrage!”

Odette’s bug head nodded in mock sympathy. “My understanding is, if it’s an Emergency Action Item, there is no vote. The system is allowed to decide. You only get three of these. All the other teams used up their emergency actions when you flooded Larracos or when you purchased your team, or when you splatted that elf castle on the Lemig Sortion’s playing field.”

“What?” Donut asked. “Emergency action items? We didn’t even know

that was possible!”

Here it comes, I thought.

“That,” Odette said, “is why you need to pick your adjutant as soon as possible.”

Donut opened her mouth to respond, but then she looked at me. Across the studio, Zev and Lexis had stopped talking and were staring intently.

“Adjutant?” I asked, pretending not to know what that meant.

“Each team gets one. It’s a third-party referee and consultant. Kind of like how a manager worked before they changed the rules, but instead of being a non-corporeal avatar, they’re really there. The adjutant will have access to the expanded rule set and will accompany the warlord into battle. They cannot fight, either directly or indirectly. They can clarify rules and also call fouls.

They’re also tasked with giving a daily, on-air recap for fans.”

“They’re physically there on the battlefield with us?” I asked, letting a

grin spread across my face. “So if we manage to get the protections turned off, they’d be as vulnerable as the hunters from the sixth floor? In my world, we had a thing called embedded reporters who followed military units around. That was a very dangerous job.”

Odette shook her head. “No matter what happens with that vote, adjutants are protected. But, yes, they’re really there.”

She’d just confirmed what Mordecai had said earlier. That actually made me feel a little better. It was clear Huanxin wanted Odette there so she could do something to her. I still didn’t know the details on why they didn’t like each other, though I knew the three of them—Mordecai, Odette, and Huanxin —were all tangled up together in some ancient beef that ended up with Mordecai’s brother dead and Odette arrested. But if Odette was protected while on the battlefield, then that meant it was out of my hands. What they did to each other outside the dungeon was none of my concern.

I shrugged. “Well, we don’t have one yet. I’m open to suggestions.”

Odette nodded. “We can sort that for you.” She waved her hand, and three aliens appeared, floating in windows. I recognized two of them. “I was going to ask you guys if you wanted me to do it, but unfortunately, I won’t be able to participate as an adjutant this season. So, let’s help you choose one now.”