The Eye of the Bedlam Bride — Chapter no 28

[ 28 ]

IMANI: SHE’S OKAY, BUT SHE HAS A NASTY DEBUFF. SHE FOUND SOME secret room called a drug den. It’s set up like one of those frozen yogurt places, where you get a bowl, and you self-serve stuff into it and add toppings. It’s really messed up. She made herself something, and it knocked her on her ass. She’s going to be passed out for ten more hours.

Carl: Ten hours? Holy shit, that’s cutting it close. That doesn’t sound like something she’d deliberately do.

Imani: Well, she did it. The description on her debuff says she has a fifty percent chance of adding a bunch of strength when she wakes up, but there’s also a chance she’ll lose intelligence. While she’s passed out, she’s “Bliss Surfing.” I don’t know for certain what that means, but I think she’s reliving a memory. That’s what the blitz sticks do, too, but I think this is supposed to be more intense. Elle is guarding her right now.

Based on Daniel’s reaction, I’m starting to think this isn’t new.

Carl: What do you mean? How do you know?

Imani: He didn’t want to tell me any of this. The way he was making excuses for her… Let’s just say it’s familiar. I’m going back to the guild to talk to Louis and Britney and see if they know anything.

I had a sinking sensation. She’d found the drug den because I’d told her where it was. She’d asked me about it.

Donut: IF YOU’RE TRYING TO SAY KATIA IS A CRACKHEAD, I WON’T BELIEVE IT.

Imani: Nobody is saying she’s a crackhead, Donut, but I’m afraid she’s going to need some help. This stuff is really addictive.

Donut: EVERY SHOW HAS A SEASON WHERE ONE OF THE CHARACTERS GETS STRUNG OUT ON DRUGS OR ALCOHOL, AND IT’S ALWAYS STUPID BECAUSE IT STRESSES ME OUT.

KATIA IS NOT A CLICHÉ. I SIMPLY WON’T ALLOW IT.

Imani: We’ll figure it out.

Carl: My and Katia’s quest is important, but it’s not going to matter if all of us don’t get a key during phase two. So make sure you practice with your decks. Donut and I are about to go practice with ours, and then we’ll get to the Desperado Club and figure out what we’re going to do.

“Carl,” Donut said, looking up at me. “She’ll be okay, right?”

“Katia is the second toughest woman I know,” I said. I scratched Donut’s ear. “Come on. We need to practice.”

Entering the Mock Battle Arena.

Warning: You have at least one consumable card in your deck. This card will be lost if used in this arena.

Choose your difficulty.

“Pick the medium one,” I said. “The one equal to our deck.”

“Hey,” Donut said. “They raised the price! It used to be 2,000 gold, and now it’s 2,500!”

“Yeah, they told us they raised the prices.”

“Oh, yeah. They also said we get something if we beat challenge

difficulty. Let’s do that instead.”

“Not yet.”

In the chat, there was a lively debate about the best deck size and composition. With six totems and an initial hand of four cards, it was important that you pull at least one totem right away, or you’d be vulnerable to attack. Someone suggested that an 18-card deck was the best choice. It meant we had almost an 80% chance to pull a totem in the initial spread, but it still allowed for a decent number of other cards.

I wasn’t a math guy, and I wasn’t even sure if that percentage was correct, but we decided to test it out. Donut and I put our initial deck together, consisting of 18 cards.

We had the six totems: Geraldo the monk seal, Asojano the orisha,

Skylar Spinach the ghommid splitter, Uzi Jesus, Raul the crab, and Shi Maria the spider.

The next six were all utility cards: Two Time Extend cards, one strength- increasing Stout card, one mana-increasing Blue Stuff card, a speed increasing Greased Lightning card, and the consumable Combo card. Donut didn’t want to add the combo card because we wouldn’t be using it in practice, but I thought it was best to keep it in the deck to make this as realistic as possible. Also, I suspected the time extend cards would be unnecessary, but we wouldn’t know until we practiced with them.

Then, we had three snare cards. These would be pointless in the simulation because they were only useable against card-carrying opponents.

But again, I wanted a realistic deck. One could alter their deck ahead of battle, but sometimes you didn’t know when a fight was going to start, so our ready deck had to include these cards. We had Hobble, which was also consumable. The mana-draining Hole in the Bag, which was not, and our new Damnation card.

We had two mystic cards, which were also useless here. The card-stealing Thief and the Force Discard cards.

And finally, we had a single, consumable Flee card.

Until we got some practice in, I wasn’t certain if this was a good spread or not. We didn’t have very many snare cards, and I suspected those might be better than utility cards, but this is what we went with.

We kept Mongo out of his cage. I planned on rolling Samantha into the guild hall before we entered the simulation, but I changed my mind at the last minute. She was always good for distracting enemies.

Mongo bounced up and down excitedly as Donut scrolled through our environment choices while Samantha rolled in circles around my feet.

“Pick something urban,” I said. “Not the arena. And not something that sounds dangerous. Make sure the environmental factors are all earth standard.”

“I don’t know what that means, Carl.” She gasped. “They have a 1980’s shopping mall! Just like in Stranger Things!”

The world immediately changed so we were, indeed, on the first level of a bustling, multi-level shopping mall. Rows of stores spread out in front of us.

My eyes caught a colorful arcade, and next to it was a Kay-Bee toy Store— which was absolutely packed. And then a Walden books. Christmas decorations hung along the long hallway. In the distance, a line of children

and bored parents waited for their chance to sit on Santa’s lap, whom I couldn’t see.

We stood next to a brick fountain, which was filled with coins. Donut coughed, and I breathed in the familiar scent of cigarette smoke. Dozens of NPCs appeared in the simulation, walking back and forth as they carried bags. Up on the second level, multiple people hung off the railings, chatting away and laughing. Some people were smoking. Roving bands of teenagers stopped to regard us. A girl whispered to another as they giggled and pointed at my boxers. Samantha rolled up to a group of boys outside the arcade, and bit down on one kid’s shoe and started growling. The boy kicked her like a soccer ball, and she went flying.

Next to us stood an Orange Julius stand, and the girl behind the counter looked at us and said, “If you’re not going to order anything, you gotta move.”

I hadn’t realized that these simulations could include physical, interactive NPCs on the actual playing field. These were the same as most of the patrons inside of the Desperado Club. Not really alive like the regular dungeon NPCs, but they still had physical bodies and would be in the way.

Battle Begins in Ten Seconds. Deck is locked in place.

“Can you turn off the people?” I asked.

“I can, but it’s too late. I already chose it!” Donut said. “I kinda like it.”

A girl with a side ponytail looked down at Donut. “Aren’t you the cutest thing ever? And is that a dinosaur? That’s wicked awesome.”

Mongo screeched joyfully at the girl and waved his arms.

Combat Started.

Donut leaped to my shoulder as the four cards appeared floating in front of her. There was no sign of the monster, though with the mall this packed, I suspected we wouldn’t have to wait long.

I examined the four cards she pulled. Greased Lightning, Stout, Shi Maria, and Uzi Jesus.

“Save the utility cards and play the two totems,” I said. “Summon Jesus, talk to him for a second, then summon Shi Maria.”

Donut looked at me sideways from my shoulder. “You sure you want those two at the same time?”

“Yes,” I said. “That’s why we’re doing this. We need to see how they work together. It’s important they get used to each other.”

In the far distance, someone started to scream.

Donut swiped forward, summoning the Jesus card.

“Body of Christ!” an unseen announcer shouted as translucent, sparkly angels floated in the air.

The ground cracked, and a wooden cross grew up from the hole. Uzi Jesus was nailed to the cross, his gun in his right hand. Mongo squealed with concern as the people around us all started to cry and run away.

“It’s Heyzoos, the Uzi Jesus!” the announcer shouted as the words appeared floating in the air. Heyzoos flexed, and the cross shattered into holographic dust as the barefooted man landed on the tiled floor of the mall, his white robe flapping in a wind that wasn’t there. His long, flowing hair also waved. A golden halo over his head sparkled. A 75-second timer appeared over him and started to count down.

“Holy shit,” I muttered. I’d forgotten about these ridiculous intros.

“Who are you?” Heyzoos asked, looking me and Donut up and down.

The guy had a Texan accent for some reason. He was a ridiculously good- looking white dude. All around us, people started screaming and running for the exits. The girl behind the Orange Julius counter bolted. In the distance, the wall separating the Santa display fell over as parents and children fled.

“What happened to the crocodile guy?”

We’d agreed ahead of time that Donut would do most of the talking. It was important to see if they’d follow her instructions.

“You shot him in the stomach,” Donut said. “So he gave you to us.”

Another card appeared in Donut’s deck, but it was a snare card. She immediately discarded it.

“I was going to heal him,” Heyzoos said defensively. He scratched at his temple with the barrel of his gun. His finger was planted on the trigger. “So, who we sending off to meet dad? Hey, what’re you doing?” He jumped as Samantha started bumping into his legs.

“Whatchu got under that robe, huh?” Samantha asked, rolling around him.

“Samantha, leave him alone,” I called. “Come back here.”

“But I want to see his penis,” she whined.

“Samantha, you little shit,” I said. “Come here, or you can’t go adventuring with us again.”

“We don’t know what we’re fighting yet,” Donut said to Heyzoos. “Go over there and wait to see what comes out, but first we want you to meet another card.”

She flipped the Shi Maria card, and a laughing, web-covered skull appeared in the air, exploded into a thousand little spiders, and for a moment, the whole area appeared covered in spider webs. Ominous harpsichord music made a dun-dun-Dunnnn sound as the giant spider appeared, standing over Heyzoos, who was cowering at her sudden appearance.

“The Bedlam Bride!” the announcer shrieked.

A 120 second timer appeared over the massive spider, who rose high into the air, her giant legs spreading across the entire hallway, knocking decorative candy canes off the walls. Up on the second level, people screamed and scattered. The spider hiss clicked as the head on her stretchy neck twisted around with confusion.

“Fucking shit!” Heyzoos cried as he started to empty his gun into the belly of the giant spider. A health bar appeared and started to slowly descend as he fired into her. The already screaming, panicked crowd went even more berserk.

Maria recoiled, hissing and clicking. She leaped up to the second level

and turned, facing the screaming man.

“Stop!” Donut yelled.

One of Shi Maria’s legs shot forward and skewered Jesus right through the chest. He cried out but kept firing. His gun didn’t appear to run out of ammunition. She lifted the screaming form up in the air, and with another leg, swatted the Uzi out of his hand. It went flying.

“We are on the same team,” Maria hissed at Jesus. Her health was halfway down. Heyzoos’s health was also in the red and dropping rapidly.

Shi Maria looked at Donut. “Do you have a heal totem card?”

“Uh,” Donut said. “No?”

“We have one,” I said, but it’s not in the deck. “He’s our healer.”

“You should kill him,” Samantha called up to Shi Maria. “He hurt your tum-tum!”

Another card appeared in Donut’s hand. The combo card. She discarded it.

“Heal me,” Shi Maria demanded of Heyzoos.

He groaned in pain. He raised his hand as if to cast something, but then he

dissipated into dust.

Totem Killed.

At the far end of the mall, a figure appeared, floating up from the ground, then another. And another.

They were reindeer. Goddamned reindeer. There were eight of them, floating in a perfect V formation, and even at this distance, I could see they were covered in gore. Each had a strange, triangular dot over their heads.

Entrails hung from the antlers of one of them, and to my horror, there was a small man still attached to the end of the stream of guts. A man dressed like an elf. He screamed before plummeting back to the ground. The trail of intestines remained attached to the antlers.

I was expecting Santa to appear next, and he did, but not in the way I anticipated.

A ninth reindeer appeared, rising in front of the others. The decapitated head of Santa—or the poor guy working at the mall pretending to be Santa— hung from the creature’s mouth. It spit, and the head dropped away.

The reindeer roared, lion-like. And then, its nose started to glow.

Its entire body glowed yellow, meaning it was currently invulnerable.

“What the hell,” I said.

This one also had a symbol over its head, but it was a triangle in a circle. I was pretty sure I knew what those symbols meant. We hadn’t seen this type of monster yet.

Rude-Dolph the Blood-Nosed Slay-Deer. Level 100.

Eastern United States Legendary Creature.

Warning: This is a Puppet-Master. This creature is intangible until

all the puppets have been killed.

Eight of Eight Puppets still live.

Nobody is laughing at him anymore.

All nine reindeer started galloping through the air at us.

We had to kill the other eight reindeer before we could even touch Rude- Dolph.

“Carl, do you see that?” Donut shouted. “It’s a cheap knockoff of Rudolph! He ate Santa!”

Another card popped into Donut’s hand. It was Skylar Spinach, the ghommid splitter. Donut immediately whipped it forward, summoning it. An explosion appeared, followed by wisps of ghostly figures. The donkey- headed snake had a timer of 60 seconds.

“Skylar Spinach!” the announcer shouted.

“What in the name of the gods is that thing?” Samantha demanded.

“That entrance is not nearly as exciting as the others,” Donut muttered just as a laser shot out from the nose of Rude-Dolph. The blade of light made

a vroom noise, and it was like a continuous Magic Missile blast. A ceiling support for the mall crumbled. The crackling laser arced through the mall, sheering off a leg from Shi Maria and cutting right through Skylar Spinach.

The laser missed Mongo by inches—though it wouldn’t have hurt him anyway in the simulation. It passed harmlessly through Donut.

“Get them!” Donut shouted as Shi Maria hissed and angrily scuttled forward.

“You have to kill the other eight first,” I called.

Skylar Spinach had split in half and was now two creatures. Skylar and Spinach. Skylar was still a donkey head, but it grew a pair of bat wings, and it took to the air, screaming toward the reindeer. The lower half, Spinach the snake, wriggled about like a worm, though spikes protruded from the area of the split. The headless snake reared up, and all the spikes flung out toward the incoming herd, the spikes shooting into the oncoming reindeer and peppering them with foot-long spikes. One of them—Blitzen—exploded into dust.

I looked over at Donut’s hand. She had three cards with another appearing in a few seconds. None were totems.

“Play Greased Lightning on Shi Maria,” I said, and she quickly flipped the card out toward the injured spider, who was now halfway down the mall.

The card somersaulted through the air, spinning like a boomerang as it slapped onto the back of the giant spider. A giant lightning graphic appeared with a crack just at the same moment as Shi Maria shimmered and split into four different versions of the same, terrifying spider.

“She just cast an illusion,” I said, awed by the sight. I knew I could—and probably should—be entering this battle, but it was important to see how these guys fought. One of the illusions was suddenly moving much more quickly than before, and she spat a glob of web out of her ass at one of the other reindeer, who slammed to the ground. At the same moment, another roared and attacked, opening their mouth to, I don’t know, attempt to eat the spider. Before it could connect with the massive creature, the reindeer was slammed in the side by Skylar, the bat-winged donkey head.

Yet another reindeer cast a spell, and the illusions all dissipated.

Rude-Dolph floated above all of this, and he appeared to be charging up another attack.

Shi Maria moved so quickly, she was a blur. One of the reindeer—Comet, I think—fired a white ball of magic at her, and it missed her by a wide

margin. Suddenly, half of the remaining puppets turned on one another. Just like that, with no warning. One of them screamed and gored one of his fellow reindeer. He was frothing at the mouth, like he’d been hit by that enraged debuff and Donut’s Why Are You Hitting Yourself spell at the same time.

I felt a sudden, strange tug in my chest and my brain at the same time. It came out of nowhere. It felt as if all the breath had suddenly been knocked out of me. A wave of dizziness swept over me.

No, I thought. This isn’t right. We’re supposed to be safe in here.

Shi Maria had opened her fifth eye. It shone like a never-ending jewel atop the center of her head. I couldn’t tell the color. It was black and white and yellow and red all at once. Even at this distance, I could feel it, calling to me, like there was a physical line between that extra eye and the center of my brain.

It’s the river, I thought. It’s the river in my mind.

I didn’t know why or how I thought that. The thought didn’t even make

sense.

“Carl, are you okay?” Donut shouted.

I’d gone down to a knee, and I didn’t even realize it. I sucked in air.

“I’m fine,” I lied. “Keep your eyes on the totems.”

The affected deer, having been driven both insane and blind, growled and then turned on each other.

Holy shit, I thought, watching open-mouthed. I pulled myself back to my feet. I looked nervously over at Mongo, who sat next me, bouncing up and down, uncertain if he wanted to enter the fight. Even though he was protected from the spell here in the simulation, I knew how dangerous this would be in a real fight. We needed to make sure Mordecai finished that potion for him as soon as possible.

In seconds, all the puppet reindeer were dead, and the little marker over Rude-Dolph blinked out. The yellow glow vanished. At the same moment, the deer fired another attack from his nose, but Shi Maria deftly scattered out of the way, despite the missing limb, crawling up to the second floor of the mall and then leaping across the way as the entrance to a store called Merry- Go-Round and another called Glamour Shots exploded.

Donut flipped another card out. This was Geraldo the monk seal. He appeared with the same fanfare as before. At the same moment, Shi Maria pounced, flying through the air, using one of her legs to literally rip Rude- Dolph in two. The monster let out a pitiful cry as the two pieces of his body

remained floating in the air. His nose sputtered and blinked out.

Geraldo the seal did a flip and made two little karate moves before he stopped dead at the sight of the giant spider, which had lowered itself underneath the ripped-in-two reindeer. The female head on Shi-Maria reached up into the air like a baby bird and started greedily devouring the dripping entrails from the deer’s body, like she was eating spaghetti slowly oozing from the sky.

“Yo, what the fuck?” was all Geraldo said before the Combat Complete notification came, and all the totems disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Next to me, Mongo let out an uncertain screech.

“Carl,” Donut said after a moment. She, too, was staring at the empty spot where the spider had been. “I’m really happy we didn’t have to fight her

earlier.”

“Isn’t she great?” Samantha asked.